NEW YORK-- According to a recent poll, the US populace would like Brett Favre, Barry Bonds, and Roger Clemens to just go away already so the incessant speculation about their possible retirements can finally be put to rest. Though the sports media is fascinated by these ongoing storylines, the general public has let it be known, with one voice, that Clemens, Favre, and Bonds need to disappear immediately.

“Go, go, go. Just go away please. Please leave now!” pleaded 33-year-old Cindy, a caller to ESPN radio’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. “I live in Houston and even I don’t care if Roger Clemens comes back. Oh, whoopee, Roger’s contemplating returning for three starts in mid-July. Who cares? He needs to disappear. So does the human blooper film, Brett Favre, and Barry Bonds and his ‘reality’ show. Unless he’s injecting steroids or getting into fistfights with his teammates, it’s not real and I don’t want to watch it.”

Another caller, 29-year-old Tim from Baltimore, issued a personal plea to all three mega-stars:

“Brett, Barry, Roger, this is Tim from Baltimore. I would really appreciate it if you guys stopped waffling and rode off into the sunset already. Leave now, and then go into hiding so that Pedro Gomez or Chris Mortenson can’t find you and interview you and pretend it’s actually news. Seriously, Brett Favre could quit football, go join the Navy Seals, topple the Iranian government, drag their president back to America by the ear and drop him on the White House steps and I would lazily change the channel looking for some kind of celebrity dancing show. That’s how much I care about Brett Favre. Please get him out of my life.”

Members of the media were stunned by the public’s reaction to the possible retirement of three of sports’ biggest stars. Many believe that there is no bigger story in the NFL than Brett Favre, and no bigger stories in baseball than those of Bonds and Roger Clemens.

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here. Back up,” said ESPN’s Dan Patrick. “You’re talking about three of the best players and the biggest personalities in all of sports. These people are famous – so very, very famous. Their famousness is unparalleled. Some day they're all going to be gone and the fans will be wishing they were still here. Luckily that day isn’t here yet, so here is a replay of last month’s one-on-one with Favre, interlaced with awesome highlights from his career, which I would not recommend watching without a full box of Kleenex nearby.”

Favre plans to announce his plans sometime between now and the NFL draft. Clemens will decide after he plays in the World Baseball Classic this spring. Bonds, on the other hand, plans to play a full season this year and beyond if his body holds up. During the new few months, the American public will be subjected to non-stop, marathon coverage of the stars’ every move.

“You have to know what people want, and people want to see pictures of famous people doing stuff, even if it’s just taking batting practice or sitting in a chair staring straight ahead,” said Dan Emerson, producer of Sportscenter. “And for the ones who don’t want it, who cares? Bonds, Favre, and Clemens – these guys are all about brand recognition. People know those names and respond to them because they’ve been conditioned to do so. We like that, and more importantly, the sponsors like that. The fans have no business complaining because they’re getting all this shit for free anyway.”

The fans, however, see things much differently. In fact, thousands of them have already signed an online petition calling for the retirement for each member of the “Big 3.”

Matt Winchell, who started the petition on his website www.Pleasegoaway.com, plans to forward it to each player as soon as he gets his millionth signature.

“Right now we have 850,000 signatures and it’s growing fast,” said Winchell, 32. “I figure by May we should have a million and them I’m going to forward it to Roger, Brett, and Barry. Just fucking leave already. We don’t care about your decision making process. We don’t care about how old you are, Roger, or how many home runs you have, Barry. Just stay off my damn television set, or else I’m going to wish horrible, debilitating injuries on both of you. I know that sounds harsh, but this is what all this media coverage will do to a person. It makes you bitter. Ironically, I almost know how Barry Bonds feels right now.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.