BALTIMORE--Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, a free agent, has told GM Ozzie Newsome and owner Steve Bisciotti that they are to negotiate directly with God on any possible contract extension.

The 33-year-old linebacker, a devout Christian, believes God may want him to sign elsewhere.

“My future is in God’s hands,” Lewis told the Baltimore Sun on Monday. “If he sees fit to send me back to Baltimore, fine. If his plan is for me to move on, that’s fine too. It's his decision. That's why I am withdrawing myself from negotiations. From now on, teams should bypass the middle man – me – and negotiate directly with God. I only hope that He sees fit to flush their heads down the toilet over and over again until they give me my fair market value.”

For the Ravens, Lewis’ request complicates the already challenging process of negotiating a new deal for their aging captain. According to Newsome, all attempts to contact God directly have failed and the team is at a loss for how to proceed.

“Look, I understand that Ray is a man of faith,” said Newsome. “And nobody respects that more than me. But still, negotiating directly with God is a very difficult thing to pull off. I tried going to a church and praying, but that didn’t work. Then I just wrote down a figure on a piece of paper and help it up to the ceiling, and nobody responded. Then I considered looking skyward and screaming ‘are the dogs in the house?’ but there are some things that are too stupid even for me to do.”

Newsome has tried repeatedly to convince Lewis to reconsider his stance, but Lewis is adamant about letting God handle his negotiations.

“I called him and said ‘Look, this isn’t going to work. We need to talk face to face. Enough joking around,’” said Newsome. “But he was like ‘I’m not joking around. I’ve surrendered my life to Christ, bitch.’ And I was like ‘but he won’t talk to me,’ and he was like ‘then repent, motherfucker!’ Then he slammed the phone down on me. Well first of all, the repenting thing doesn’t work. Secondly, I don't even want to talk to God at this point. I want to talk to your agent. At least we can prove conclusively that he exists.”

Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, who has also been in touch with Lewis in recent days, believes that his star linebacker may have played his last game in a Ravens uniform. Despite that, Bisciotti says he has the “utmost respect” for Lewis’ stance.

“Hey, this guy really walks the walk,” Bisciotti said. “A lot of the players talk about faith and talk about Jesus, but Ray really lives the word of God in his everyday actions. It will probably mean the end of his days in Baltimore, but I guess that’s God’s will. All we can do with Ray is tell him good bye and good luck. Or tell God and have him relay the message.”

Newsome, however, has other ideas.

“I was thinking maybe we can just pretend to talk to God and tell Ray that he suggested a two-year, one million dollar contract or something,” said Newsome. “That would really put his faith to the test. He would either have to sign the deal or defy the word of God. But would that really work? I mean, would God go back to him and tell him we’re lying? Wait a minute. Of course it would work, because GOD DOESN’T TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT CONTRACTS.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.