PHOENIX--Former Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley came clean with federal investigators recently by acknowledging that he and several other players took steroids and human growth hormone during the past few years. In doing so, Grimsley violated baseball’s sacred Code of Honor which states that all players must be two-faced liars.

“I’m really disappointed in Jason,” said White Sox reliever Jeff Nelson. “He broke our Sacred Code of Honor. That code has been in place for decades. It strictly forbids any player from ratting out any other player. Of course, it does allow for lying and cheating and making a mockery of the game. That's all fine as long as you don’t rat anybody out. Are you following me? I know it seems a little confusing, but to sum up: Lie, lie, and lie some more. The integrity of the game depends on it.”

Nelson acknowledged that Grimsley had cooperated only under intense pressure from federal investigators, but said that was no excuse.

“Obviously this is not information that he volunteered. It’s information that was coaxed out of him under the threat of jail time,” said Nelson. “But that’s no excuse to be truthful. There’s never an excuse to be truthful. Jason should have denied any knowledge of steroid use. Yes, he would have gone to jail, but he would have slept easy knowing that he protected the identities of a great many cheaters. He lied to protect other liars. In baseball, that is the true definition of courage.”

Baseball’s rich tradition of lying goes back decades, and has enabled hundreds of players to experiment with performance enhancing drugs without fear of reprisal. Now that the lid has been blown off the rampant steroid use, the league’s Code of Honor is more important than ever.

“Players like Jason Grimsley are giving the game a bad name,” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “You don’t go around ratting out other guys just to protect your own ass. If you know guys have done steroids, just shut up about it and move on. Of course they’re cheaters, but that’s not as bad as being a tattletale. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. The point is, nobody in this game has any fucking integrity and the code is designed to cover that up.”

Grimsley joins Jose Canseco as former steroid users who have exposed their peers. Grimsley, however, will never be as universally loathed as Canseco, who revealed his allegations in his best selling book “Juiced.”

“Grimsley is not on the same level as Canseco as far as being a rat,” said one AL player, who asked not to be identified. “He was coerced by the feds. That doesn’t make it right, but at least there were extenuating circumstances. Man, this whole steroid scandal is getting uglier and uglier. Our only salvation right now, the only thing we have going for us, is that human growth hormone is undetectable in urine samples. Thank you, Dr. Mengele, or whoever invented that shit.”

Grimsley’s attorney, Edward Novak, claimed his client never volunteered the names of fellow users, but simply responded to questions about specific players and their drug habits. In essence, he did what any other player in his position would have done.

“Jason didn’t walk into the feds office and start barking out names,” said Novak. “He was questioned about certain players and he responded to those questions. He did what anybody else would have done. Hell, if I was in his position I would sell out those bastards for a cup of coffee. I would walk down the street wearing a sandwich board with all their names painted on it in big block letters ringing a bell like the town crier. In short, I would flush that code down the toilet. Remember, honest people don't need those things. Codes of Honor are only for cheaters.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.