FOXBORO, MA--Chicago Bears players and coaches were surprised on Tuesday morning to discover that their quarterback, Rex Grossman, had been listed as ‘doubtful’ on the New England Patriots injury report. After viewing the report, Bears coach Lovie Smith immediately called the Patriots front office looking for an explanation.

“As I was perusing the Patriots injury report I came across Rex's name," said Smith. "It said 'doubtful - shoulder.' I immediately thought 'Oh my God what happened to Rex?' Then I remembered that he's not injured and I decided to call the Patriots and get some kind of explanation. I couldn't get through to them, though. The phone in the office it didn't even ring. It just beeped and went straight to voice mail. Actually it didn't go straight to voice mail. The first thing I heard was a voice saying 'Don't bother,' and then it went straight to voice mail.”

Smith also insisted that Grossman is healthy and ready to play on Sunday.

“Rex is healthy, as far as I know,” said Smith, whose team is 9-1 heading into the showdown in Foxboro. “I have no idea why he would be listed as ‘doubtful.’ If Belichick wasn’t so damn secretive about his injury report we could probably just ask him, but no, instead we all have to sit here scratching our heads. Anyway, I’m going to get my backup quarterback prepared for Sunday just in case. I'm not about to be outwitted by this son of a bitch.”

Belichick is known for being extremely secretive about his injury report. He routinely adds and subtracts names with little or no explanation, and has infuriated opposing coaches with his stubborn refusal to discuss his players’ health.

This is the first time, however, that he included an opposing player on his report.

“That’s a new one,” said Patriots linebacker Mike Vrabel. “I’ve seen him do all kinds of cryptic stuff with the injury report, but nothing like this. He does it just to mess with the opponent’s head. Now even if Rex does play, he’ll have it in the back of his mind that he’s hurt so he’ll be a little timid. I guess that’s part of coach Belichick's strategy. Or maybe he’s just gone completely nuts and we’re all witnessing his total mental breakdown. Either way, it’s kind of awesome.”

Bears GM Jerry Angelo said he planned to contact the league and file a complaint to force the Patriots to remove Grossman from their injury list. However, according to commissioner Roger Goodell, there is no rule to prevent teams from doing what the Patriots are doing.

“The Patriots aren’t violating any established rules or guidelines here,” said Goodell. “As usual they’re managing to operate within the rules but in an underhanded sort of way. I remember last season they listed Tom Brady as ‘dead.’ And two years ago when Rodney Harrison got hurt, he was listed on the injury report as ‘tall.’ So I wouldn’t put too much credence into their injury report. It's basically just a pack of lies designed to befuddle the other team.”

At a press conference on Tuesday, Belichick was asked about his injury report, and offered a typically cryptic non-answer.

“Obviously all of our players are banged up in some way and we’ll just work with the guys who can get on the field,” Belichick said. “I’m not going to get into who’s playing and who’s not playing, and which guy is on which team. We’re just going to evaluate each player as the week progresses. As for Rex, I think the injury report is pretty self-explanatory. He's doubtful. If you want more information, ask Lovie Smith, because we're not really responsible for other teams' players.”

When Grossman saw his name on Belichick’s injury report, he immediately suspected something was amiss.

“I took one look at the Patriots injury report and saw my name on there and knew something was up,” said Grossman. “There’s no reason I should be on there. I don’t have any problems with my shoulder, and I’m not a member of the Patriots. If you ask me, he’s trying to get some mental edge on us or something. Either that, or he really believes I’m hurt and is just trying to be helpful. Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to sit out on Sunday. Checkmate, Bill Belichick. ”
 

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.