NEW YORK--In the NFL, there isn’t a more dangerous place to be than the bottom of a pile of players fighting for a loose ball. A typical fumble scrum features kicking, punching, scratching, biting, and anything else that will result in an opponent coughing up the ball.

On Sunday, officials working the Giants-Eagles game reported hearing gunfire from the bottom of a pile, a dangerous escalation that could lead to fines and possibly suspensions.

“I saw [Brandon] Jacobs fumble the ball and then a whole bunch of guys jump on top of it,” recalled referee Gerry Austin. “There was the usual kicking and biting and crotch-grabbing, but then I heard three distinct popping sounds that I recognized as gunfire. We started frantically peeling players off, and when we got to the bottom, there was Lito Sheppard hugging the ball and smiling mischievously. Nobody was hurt, thank God, and nobody would own up to anything, but I think it’s safe to say that a) those fumble piles are out of control, b) too many players own guns, and c) this Eagles-Giants rivalry kicks ass.”

Giants tackle David Diehl, who was at the bottom of the pile, also heard the gunshots.

“Somebody definitely fired off a couple warning shots down there,” he said. “I heard it loud and clear. It’s unusual for that to happen, but you have to understand that this was a big game for both teams and nobody wanted to give in. Hell, if I had a gun I probably would have done the same thing. Coach Coughlin doesn’t let us carry guns, though. He confiscates them before we take the field. God, he’s such a disciplinarian. Lighten up, Hitler!”

The league is reviewing tape of the incident and attempting to identify the shooter. In the meantime, they are reiterating their longstanding policy against firing weapons on the field of play.

“You can’t just bring a gun onto the field and fire it,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “That’s against the rules and it’s also extremely dangerous. This isn’t a night club, or the parking lot of a night club, or a bar, or a party, or your car, or your kitchen, or church, this is a football game. You don’t need to be armed to the teeth.”

So far, nobody has confessed to firing the gun. Even Lito Sheppard, who ended up with the ball, swore he was just an innocent bystander.

“I was under there with everybody else just scrambling for the ball,” said Sheppard. “At one point I felt it in somebody’s arms and I just ripped it out and hung on for dear life. I heard the gunshots but they weren’t from me. I just assumed somebody’s firearm went off by accident. With everybody pulling at each other and all the limbs flying everywhere, it can happen pretty easily. That’s why I always make sure the safety is on my gun before I jump into a fumble pile.”

Sheppard’s teammates came to his defense after the game, saying he would never open fire on opposing players. Members of the Giants said they believed him, but in private at least one player said that Sheppard was behind the shooting.

“Of course it was Lito,” said one Giants player, who participated in the scrum. “I was holding the ball myself down there when I felt something poking into my side. It was a gun. Then I heard Lito’s voice say to hand the ball over. I refused, of course. Then he fired three warning shots into the ground and said they were ‘attention getters.’ So I gave up the ball. What could I do? I just regret that I didn’t have my bullet-proof vest on, but I figured since I wasn’t at a night club I wouldn’t need it.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.