KANSAS CITY--Chiefs coach Todd Haley issued a stern warning to his players on Tuesday during a meeting in which he lambasted them for their sloppy, mistake-filled play on the field: The next player who snickers during one of his tirades, he warned, will be fined and suspended “until further notice.”

Witnesses said Haley grew enraged when lineman Branden Albert began giggling during his tirade, the third such incident this month for the Chiefs.

“Just what in the name of Christ is so goddamn funny?” Haley screamed at Albert. “Why is it every time I start yelling, somebody in this goddamn room starts to snicker? Am I a comedian now? I'll tell you what: next person that snickers while I’m screaming is going to be suspended until further notice. You got that? Hey! You in the back! Bowe! What the hell did I just say? Are you deaf?”

Haley then threw his clipboard to the floor and attempted to storm out of the room, but accidentally pushed the door instead of pulling it, resulting in more snickers. When he was finally gone, the room burst into laughter.

“Oh, man I don’t know how I kept a straight face during that one,” said running back Larry Johnson. “Did you see how red his face got when he was talking about accountability? He looked like he was gonna have a heart attack. I had to pretend I was tying my shoes so he wouldn’t see me laughing.”

“My favorite part was when he threatened to bench the whole team,” said defender Tamba Hali. “ He was like ‘ I’ll bench every goddamn one of you if I have to!’ Talk about an empty threat. And then he gets mad at us for laughing. Hello? When you yell and scream all the time it starts to lose its impact. And when you do it, like, three times a day it starts to become really funny. But that’s cool. If it wasn’t for Coach Haley’s tirades, I wouldn’t have anything to look forward to in the morning.”

For his part, Albert didn’t seem to take Haley’s suspension threat too seriously.

“Coach Haley is always screaming and making threats,” Albert said. “I think he just feels like that’s what he has to do to get his point across. Remember when he was caught on camera screaming at Anquan Boldin last year? That screaming got him this job. If it wasn’t for that, nobody would know who he is. So you can’t blame the guy for sticking with something that works for him.”

Coach Haley wouldn’t comment on the suspension directly, but did talk about the importance of respect and accountability in a media session on Wednesday morning.

“There’s nothing more important than accountability,” he said. “I’ve been trying to instill that since the day I got here. Sometimes that involves getting in people’s faces. Sometimes it involves suspending them. But hey, I’m the coach of this team and I demand to be respected. And…hey, what the hell are you guys laughing at? Did I say something funny? That's it. I'm leaving. ”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.