Hamstring Injuries Linked to Being A Big Pussy

CAMBRIDGE, MA--According to a new study published in the American Journal of Sports Medicine, chronic hamstring woes are linked to being a big pussy. These findings could have a huge impact on the sports world, where the nagging injuries have become an epidemic.

“According to our study, a lot of the sports stars you see with so-called hamstring injuries are unbelievable pussies and crybabies,” said Dr. Richard Freedman, who spearheaded the study. “We interviewed dozens of athletes and the results were remarkably consistent. A staggering 93 percent of them were pussies. My recommendation for these people would be to take off the skirt and get back on the field.”

Most of the athletes interviewed for the study displayed “classic” characteristics of being pussies, including a low pain threshold, inability to suck it up, and chronic self-pity.

“There are many telltale signs of being a pussy,” said Freedman. “Hamstring injury sufferers normally display one or more of these signs. That’s why they spend so much time on the disabled list and never seem to get better. If they would stop obsessing over ‘getting better’ and start focusing on being men they’d be back on the field in no time. But you can’t expect that, not from these cowards.”

The recent findings have ruffled some feathers in the sports world. Many of the athletes interviewed for the study vehemently denied being pussies, instead saying that they suffer from a legitimate medical condition.

“I am not a pussy. I resent that,” said Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffey Jr., whose career has been derailed by chronic hamstring problems. “I’ve suffered terribly over the years. I did everything I could to get on the field, but my injury prevented me. I happen to have an extremely high threshold for pain. How else do you think I tolerated playing in Cincinnati for all these years?”

Despite the protests, the study is expected to spur changes in the way hamstring injuries are treated. Instead of the traditional methods of rest mixed with physical therapy, trainers will use psychological tactics to get players back on the field.

“This is something I’ve suspected for years, that these guys are all just total pussies,” said Al Brademberg, team doctor for the Jacksonville Jaguars. “I mean, all they do is sit in the damn hot tub all day and massage their hamstrings. So instead of being an enabler, I’m going to try to motivate them by appealing to their sense of pride. You know, something like this: ‘Hey, pussy boy, got a sore hammy? Hey everyone, you look at the big fairy with the boo boo on his leg. Let’s get him a wowwipop.’ See, that’s pretty effective, isn’t it? Plus it’s a lot better than my old method of shooting them up with illegal steroids.”

Freedman endorses Brademberg’s new psychological approach and believes that hamstring injuries will decrease drastically if other teams follow suit.

“In caring for hamstring injuries, you need to employ non-traditional methods of treatment,” said Freedman. “Remember, these are pussies we’re dealing with here. They’re not going to ignore the pain and go out there and play. They have to be pushed. If I were a trainer, I would be like ‘Oh, sorry guys. You’re teammate can’t play today. See, his leg hurts. No, it’s not broken. Nope. Not even fractured. It just hurts. Don’t worry. He’ll be back on the field as soon as he gets around to it.’ If that doesn’t work the patient should be beaten mercilessly. It won’t help his hamstring, but it sure will be fun.”