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MIAMI--36-year-old Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway is returning to the NBA this season having signed a one-year, non-guaranteed deal with the Miami Heat on Thursday. Hardaway will play a limited role for the team, but that’s fine with him, as he only decided to return in order to get season tickets to Heat games.

“Wow, season tickets to the Miami Heat,” said Hardaway. “And courtside too. I never thought I’d see this day, not with the waiting list they have. I guess I just have to thank God for giving me this opportunity and thank Coach Riley for believing in me. I will not let him down. I will do anything this team asks me to do. Seriously. Once you score season tickets to the Miami Heat you cling to them like grim death.”

Hardaway attempted to get season tickets this season but ended up being placed on a waiting list.

“They have a waiting list a mile long,” he said. “I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to be turned away. I love the Heat! D-Wade, the Diesel, ‘Zo, White Chocolate – they’re like my favorite team. Last year was a down year but they’ll rebound, and if I have anything to do with that – wow. I mean that would be such an honor. Even sitting on the bench with these guys will be an honor. In fact, if I had my choice, that’s exactly what I would do, in street clothes, text messaging my friends.”

The last time Hardaway actually played basketball was with the New York Knicks in 2006. Since then, injuries and arthritic knees have prevented him from taking the court. But, he says, he knees are feeling better than ever.

“All the problems I had with my knees are gone now,” he said. “All it took was a little rehab and a little rest. I think now I can definitely do fifteen minutes a game or so and take some pressure off Shaq with my jump shot. I can play a little defense too against certain types of shooting guards, like Allan Houston and Reggie Miller, who have both assured me they are coming back so we can all have a couple of players we can actually guard.”

Heat officials have been impressed with Hardaway in workouts this off-season and have seen enough to convince them his knee problems are a thing of the past. More importantly, his contract is non-guaranteed, so there is minimal risk for the team.

Coach Pat Riley called the signing a win-win proposition.

“It’s a great move for us because we get to see what Penny can do without really risking anything,” said Riley. “What’s the worst that can happen? Remember, he was on an NBA roster last season and was cut for salary cap reasons. It’s not like he’s been retired for a hundred years and is coming back from the grave. Plus, we’re on old team. For us, signing him is like embarking on a youth movement. Hopefully he can learn from watching our veterans and be ready to lead this team himself someday.”

Riley has just announced that he will coach the Heat for three more years. For a man who already has 23 years of coaching under his belt, he can relate to the desire to hang on in the game for as long as possible.

“Once this game gets hold of you it won’t let you go,” he said. “I can certainly understand where Penny is coming from. As long as you feel like you can contribute something you want to keep coming back. For me, it’s just the challenge of leading guys into battle and the pleasure of being able to work with people like Dwyane Wade and Shaq and Alonzo Mourning. Not to mention you get to see every game. Do you know how hard it is to get season tickets for this frigging team?”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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Hardaway Admits He Just Wanted Heat Season Tickets

August 14 , 2007 Volume 2 Issue 107
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