Roommate Suspiciously Attentive During Genital Herpes Commercial

BANGOR, MN--According to reports from Tom Griffin and Kevin Nisby, roommate Bruce Noddin was suspiciously attentive during a Genital Herpes commercial that was aired during Sunday’s Patriots-Titans game. Noddin reportedly stopped chewing his nacho and watched closely as the voice over described genital herpes symptoms and treatment.

“That genital herpes commercial that they always show during football games was on,” said Griffin, 29. “And me and Kev were laughing at it like we always do, but Bruce was staring at the screen like he was transfixed. As soon as the phrase ‘genital herpes’ was uttered, he stopped talking and paid really close attention. He even leaned forward a little to hear it better. Then after it was over he turned to us and said ‘Jesus, you guys just have to make fun of everything don’t you?’ That was really weird, since he’s usually the one who does it the most.”

The commercial in question sells a product called Valtrex, which claims to “suppress” the ailment and allow the user to “live the life he wants to”.

“You know the one where they have these little vignettes of people doing things that people with genital herpes don’t do, like riding motorcycles and walking along the beach?” asked Nisby, 27. “That’s the one. We’re always making fun of it. We’re always saying things like ‘Oh goodie! Now that my genital herpes is cured I can finally walk on the beach!’ We’re pretty mean about it. Maybe we shouldn’t be. I don’t want to hurt Bruce’s feelings if he really has that shit.”

After the incident, Griffin and Nisby contemplated exactly how or where Noddin could have contracted genital herpes, and even wondered if they were in any danger themselves.

“I know he dated that one girl Sarah from Portland who was a real skank,” said Griffin. “After that he kind of stopped dating for a long time. I never really made the connection. Fuck, I hope I don’t catch anything by sitting on the same toilet seat as he does. Can you catch it that way? I’ll have to check out the Valtrex website.”

Added Nisby: “Yea, and I’ve been smoking weed out of Noddin’s pipe for some time now. Almost every day, actually. You probably can’t catch it that way, but you never know. Shit, now I’m getting all paranoid. I’m actually starting to get itchy. Is that one of the symptoms?”

The three friends have been living together for close to a year now. They spend their Sunday’s watching football, gambling on games, and smoking pot. One of their favorite weekly rituals is to make clever quips during the commercials.

“Commercials are getting dumber and dumber,” says Griffin. “We have a field day ranking on them. So you can imagine when this genital herpes ad came on it was like open season. I mean, they’re practically begging for it. Have you heard that song? It’s like a cross between Bon Jovi and Air Supply. Who knows, maybe people with genital herpes can relate to it. I hope we didn’t offend Bruce.”

Though the roommates can never know if their friend has genital herpes unless they ask him, they both agree that something was definitely up during this past week’s airing.

Says Griffin: “We had this whole discussion about whether or not we were just imaging it and blowing it all out of proportion. We’ve gone over the events repeatedly and there’s no question: Brucie was definitely taken with that ad. I swear he was trying to memorize the web address so he could check it out later.”

The question of whether or not the two should examine Nisby’s web cache has been raised and immediately shot down.

“No, I’m not snooping around in the kid’s web browser, that’s just wrong,” says Griffin. “Plus, I don’t even want to know what my friends do on the Internet. One time I signed onto my cousin’s Internet and checked out the cache and there was something about teenage boys. I’m like ‘OK, I don’t need to know anymore.’”

For now, neither of the two have any plans to ask Bruce directly about his strange behavior during the genital herpes commercial.

“Nah, it would be too uncomfortable and weird to ask him directly,” said Nisby. “We’d much rather just assume it and make fun of him behind his back.”

They may not have to ask. Noddin, who was contacted by the Associated Press yesterday, had some interesting things to say about his condition.

“Not that it’s anyone business about my condition but what the hell,” said Noddin. “Yes. Yes, I have genital herpes, OK? I caught it from some chick. It could happen to anyone, and I don’t think it’s right for those pricks to be making fun of me. I have genital herpes and you know what? I’m proud of it. That medication that they’re making fun of saved my life. Now I can truly live the life I want to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a ride on my motorcycle.”