NFL Players Loading Up On HGH Before League Starts Testing For It

NEW YORK--The NFL may have one of the strictest steroid testing programs of all the major sports, but it’s far behind in the detection of Human Growth Hormone, which can only be screened through blood samples. Accordingly, players are loading up on the stuff before the league pulls the rug out from under them and starts testing for it.

“HGH is where it’s at. It totally kicks ass,” said one AFC player, who asked not to be identified. “I can take as much as I want and they’ll never be able to prove anything. Hey, watch this. I’m going to inject myself right now. In we go! Ahhhhh, the surge of Growth Hormone rushing through my veins. I feel bigger already. Just think, someday this stuff will be illegal, and players will go back to resembling human beings. Boring! Nobody wants to see human beings. They’re so 1987.”

On the other side of the locker room, another group of players took turns injecting HGH, rubbing it on their bodies, and guzzling it from a large jug.

“More! More!” shouted one player as he snatched the jug away from his teammate and poured the chemical down his throat. “Now give me that syringe. I’m not done yet. I need to get up to 425. I heard they tried out another run stuffer today who was at 450. What a fat shit. How can he even look at himself in the mirror like that?”

Though the average weight of NFL players has ballooned to 325 pounds, there is little the NFL can do about it. The league refuses to take blood samples from its players, instead hoping that a reliable urine test comes along someday that would do the job.

Gene Upshaw, executive director of the NFL Player’s Association, insists that there’s no hurry.

“We don’t have to rush into testing players for HGH,” said Upshaw. “Right now we just don’t have a urine test that can detect the stuff, and we’re not even convinced of the reliability of those blood tests. Also, we’re pretty confident that we don’t have a problem with Human Growth Hormone in this league. I can’t imagine any of our players knowingly doing anything illegal, especially something that would give them an unfair advantage on the field. And if they are doing it, who the hell cares? We’re all swimming in money here. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

The HGH question was brought to the forefront recently when baseball pitcher Jason Grimsley admitted to using the growth hormone, as well as steroids and amphetamines. It’s widely assumed that NFL players are also using it, but the NFL is happy with its current testing policy. The players are happy with it, too.

“What’s the problem with the testing policy?” asked the Steelers Joey Porter. “They’re already making us pee in cups. They don’t need to be taking our blood, too. That’s an invasion of privacy. They’ll just come up with something else if they start testing for HGH anyway. I heard there’s some new shit that can make you breathe fire and shoot laser beams out your eyeballs. It kills you within days, but that’s no deterrent. We’re all going to die someday anyway.”

The NFL recently elected a new Commissioner, Roger Goodell, to take over for the retiring Paul Tagliabue. Goodell knows the challenges that are ahead of him and understands the importance of having players compete clean. But will he take a stand against Human Growth Hormone?

“Probably not,” Goodell said at a press conference announcing his hiring. “Look, if somebody comes up with a foolproof way to test for this stuff that doesn’t require us to draw blood, we’ll think about it. Until then, it’s not really an urgent issue. This isn’t like baseball where all kinds of crazy records are being broken. It’s still football. It’s still the same game. The players are supposed to be oversized brutes.”

He added: “If they ever come up with a drug that makes players smaller and slower, then we’ll step in. The integrity of the league depends on it.”

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