Hillenbrand Decides He Could Kick Felipe Alou’s Ass If He Had To

SAN FRANCISCO--First baseman Shea Hillenbrand came to the Giants looking for a fresh start after his tenure in Toronto ended with manager John Gibbons challenging him to a fistfight. Hillenbrand is hoping to avoid a similar incident in San Francisco, but just in case, he sized up manager Felipe Alou and decided that he could kick his ass if the situation ever arose. Alou is 71-years old.

“I can’t imagine I’m ever going to be in a situation where my manager challenges me to a fight again,” said Hillenbrand, who was called a “cancer” by some Blue Jays teammates. “But you never know. So the first thing I did when I walked into the clubhouse was take a gander at Felipe Alou. The guy’s an old bag. I could kick his ass with one hand behind my back. Whew. That’s a relief. I sure hope it never comes to that, but you never know in this crazy game. Sometimes people want to fight you when you annoy the shit out of them.”

Hillenbrand’s problems in Toronto were well documented. He often clashed with Gibbons over playing time and refused to accept a reduced role when the team acquired first baseman Lyle Overbay. The last straw came when Hillenbrand wrote “this ship is sinking” and “play for yourself” on a clubhouse chalkboard. That incident led to the near-fight with Gibbons.

“Apparently he was angry at me for writing some stuff on the chalkboard,” said Hillenbrand. “Whatever. I’m a professional. I don’t get into fistfights in the clubhouse. Plus, what if we fought and I lost? How embarrassing would that have been? That’s why I had to make sure what I was getting into when I came here to San Francisco. I can write ‘Felipe Alou has cream of wheat brains’ on the chalkboard and be pretty much safe. Not that I would ever do that, unless he pinch hit for me or something.”

Hillenbrand is already making an effort to reach out to his new teammates and coaches in order to prove that he’s not the monster he’s made out to be in the media. For instance, he has accepted, without complaint, his role as starting first baseman. With the Giants in the pennant race, that’s all they could ask from a player.

“I don’t see Shea as a selfish player,” said outfielder Steve Finley. “Since the day he showed up here he’s been the consummate professional. I have a feeling that most of the problems in Toronto were the fault of management. Those people have no idea how to run a baseball team. John Gibbons? I never even heard of that guy. I think they just pulled him out of the stands and plopped a hat on his head. I’m surprised Shea didn’t punch him the day he got the job.”

Finley also pointed out that Hillenbrand is one of the more productive hitters in baseball.

“This guy is a base hit machine,” he said. “It doesn’t matter the situation, he can put the ball where the defenders aren’t. The fact that they got rid of him is mind boggling. They sent us a pitcher, too. And all we did was send him some kid that has a degenerative eye condition that’s going to make him go blind in two years. Oops. They’re not supposed to know that.”

Rumors out of San Francisco say that Hillenbrand, who is a free agent at the end of the year, could be interested in signing a long term deal with the Giants. But will the Giants take a chance on a player with Hillenbrand’s reputation? They should, says manger Felipe Alou.

“I don’t care about Shea’s reputation. In my book he is okay,” said Alou. “He’s a great hitter and so far, he’s been a good teammate. The day he got traded, he walked into my office, shook my hand, and told me it was a pleasure to be playing for me. I knew right then he wasn’t going to be a problem. And if he does make problems, I have nothing to worry about. Have you taken a good look at the guy? He’s a puny little turd. I could kick his ass all over the place if I had to.”

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