Calvin Johnson Politely Threatens To Hold Out If He Doesn't Get $30 Million

DETROIT--Soft-spoken, humble receiver Calvin Johnson politely demanded $30 million in guaranteed money from the Detroit Lions today and threatened to hold out of training camp if he didn't get it. The unselfish, saintly Johnson believes he deserves to be paid like a top pick and will not budge from his demand, no matter how badly his team needs him on the field.

“I am so excited and humbled to be a part of this franchise,” Johnson told the Detroit Free Press on Monday. “Playing in the NFL has been a lifelong dream of mine. I just can’t wait to get to on the field with my teammates and start learning the system, after I get my $30 million in guaranteed money. Hopefully they won’t try to lowball me because it’s not going to work. Remember, I have all the leverage here. Mr. Millen will be receiving death threats if he doesn’t sign me -- and rightfully so.”

Johnson can’t wait to start working with coach Mike Martz and quarterback Jon Kitna. Even though he has a lot to learn, he plans to do anything the coaching staff asks of him.

“I just want to do my part to bring this team to the playoffs,” he said. “Whatever the coaches ask me to do is fine with me. Heck I'll even run back kicks if that's they want. It’s just extremely important for me to get there on time so I can start learning right away. Oh, and by the way: it’s 30 million. Not 29 million, not 29.99 million. 30 million. A penny less and I’ll be at home playing Playstation while the rest of the team is out sweating in the sun. It’s sad, really, but what can I do? I’m just blessed and humbled to be here and I hope they don’t fuck it up like they do everything else.”

Johnson was the second selection in the 2007 draft and is considered by many to be the best player in the draft, surpassing top pick Jamarcus Russell in terms of talent and character. He was the perfect fit for a Lions team looking for a big time playmaker to insert into Mike Martz’ offense. His humble, down to earth nature also endeared him to the Lions brass.

“Calvin is exactly the kind of player every coach wants to have on his team,” said head coach Rod Marinelli. “He has absolutely no ego, he doesn’t care about individual statistics, and best of all, he’s extremely coachable. Of course, he probably won’t get into camp on time, but at least he’s being polite about it. He actually called Bill Ford ‘sir’ when he promised to bend him over and ream him up the ass.”

Marinelli admitted that he thought Johnson would be a little more flexible when it came to negotiating his deal.

“I guess I’m a little naïve,” he said. “I honestly thought this kid would be different. We met with him and [agent] Bus Cook and I was like ‘So, we’re going to avoid all this hold-out nastiness, right?’ and he was like ‘Yes, Mr. Marinelli. I fully intend to be to camp on time, sir.’ And then Matt presented him with our initial offer and him and Bus just burst into hysterics. I mean, prolonged, sustained guffaws. Finally, Matt and I got fed up and just walked out of the room. They were still laughing as we walked down the hall. I even heard them from the parking lot as I was climbing into my car. I will say this for the kid: he’s got a great sense of humor.”

As outrageous as the asking price might be, the Lions are in no position to turn it down. Johnson is a game changing performer and Millen is under enormous pressure to produce a winner for the first time in his long tenure as GM.

“Obviously we are going to be extremely generous with our offer to Calvin,” said Millen. “He’s a potential franchise player and we want to show the fans we’re serious about winning. Since he’s such a wonderful, wonderful young man, we were hoping maybe we could get away with making him a reasonable offer rather than a completely batshit insane one, but sadly, that’s not the case. So we will make a wildly irresponsible offer and he will accept it. What the hell. It’s not my money. If it was, I certainly wouldn’t have paid me all these millions of dollars.”

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