SAITAMA, JAPAN--Members of the USA basketball team, playing in the World Championships in Japan, continue to be amazed at how many other countries there are out there that aren’t America. To date, the squad has played against Senegal, Italy, Slovenia, China, Puerto Rico, and Australia.

“It never ceases to amaze me,” said Carmelo Anthony, who is averaging 22 points per game in the FIBA championships. “Whenever I travel overseas to play, I realize just how big this world is. We’ve played 6 different teams, all from different countries. And there are a bunch more that we haven’t played, like Qatar, Angola, and Spain. Weird, huh? The funny thing is I took a Geography class in college and got an A+++ in it. I guess that proves that you can gain more knowledge from traveling the world than you can from a college class you never actually attended.”

Some of the newer members of the team, like the Hawks Joe Johnson, were alarmed by the number of foreign countries that exist in the world.

“Damn, there’s like, 23 other countries in this tournament,” said Johnson. “Think about that for a minute: 23, and a lot of them are foreign. And there are some that are really foreign. They’re not even close to being America. Poor bastards. Riding around on horses and rickshaws, eating bugs, wearing nothing but rags, no TV, electricity – ugh. It really makes you appreciate what you have.”

“To be nice,” he continued, “I offered one of the Australian guys a pair of real American blue jeans after the game. Get this: he wouldn’t accept them. He had too much pride. Isn’t that great? Living in shit like that and still having the pride not to accept charity? I think so. Anyway, I gave him a pat on the back and then snuck the jeans into his bag. Heh. Somebody’s in for a treat when they get home.”

The time overseas in Saitama, Japan has left some players longing for the comforts of home. Some are even having second thoughts about their desire to play in the 2008 Olympics, which will take place in China.

“Oh, I am so tired,” said center Dwight Howard, “All these Japanese people are driving me nuts. No offense, but most of them do not speak a word of English. I know, I know, we are in Japan and it is not an English speaking country. I know, okay? But it does wear on you after a while. I’m almost having second thoughts about coming back here for the Beijing Olympics.”

Coming into the tournament, Coach Mike Krzyzewski knew some of his players would not respond well to spending three weeks overseas, particularly those that hadn’t had the experience of playing in the Olympics or other international competitions. He did his best to prepare them for what they would be facing in Japan.

“These are young kids, many of whom have lived insulated lives in the states and have little knowledge about the rest of the world,” said Krzyzewski. “So I just explained to them that there are tons of other countries in the world, and many of them are totally different than the United States. Most of the guys have been fine, but some just aren’t mature enough yet. Some will never be mature enough. The NBA isn’t exactly a breeding ground for maturity.”

Coach K noted that some players “have further to go than others.”

“Dwight Howard. Yikes. My God, has that kid ever left the house? If I’ve told him once I’ve told him a million times: Japanese people are not savages and they do not need to be introduced to Christianity. Give it a rest.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.