Hospitalized Fighter Pilot Endures 3 Hour Visit From Arizona Cardinals

LANDSTUHL, GERMANY--During a grueling 6-month tour of duty in Iraq, Sgt. Lance Peterson went through hell. His chopper was shot down by insurgents in Tikrit and he narrowly evaded capture by crawling down a riverbank and hiding in the brush until help arrived.

Now recovering from surgery, Peterson longs to be back on the battlefield with his mates. During his long stay in the infirmary, he's had to endure weeks of rehabilitation, as well as a grueling three-hour visit from the last-place Arizona Cardinals.

“That was the toughest part,” said Peterson. “Rehab is hard, and that crash landing sure was hard, but I’ll take any of that over another visit with those guys. I don’t even know any of them. It was just three hours of weird, awkward silence.”

The US military has been working with the NFL to bring players together with members of our armed forces. The program, organized by the USO, has been a rousing success, with several NFL players visiting soldiers around the world. When Peterson heard of the program, he became excited.

“As soon as I heard about it, I was pretty psyched. I was praying for the 49ers because I really love Terrell Owens. The Packers would’ve been great, too, because Brett Favre has always been one of my favorites. But I ended up with the Arizona Cardinals. And no, Emmitt smith was not there. He sent an autographed picture, which I clung to tightly while somebody named Anquan Boldin told me his life story.”

Players from the Arizona Cardinals say they were “humbled and honored” to visit the fallen soldiers. They have deep respect and admiration for men and women of the military and hoped the visit would brighten their day.

“It was such a great experience,” said offensive guard Leonard Davis. “Those people are the real heroes. What we do is just a game. These guys are out there protecting our freedoms. They deserve all the attention and fame, not us.”

“Who the fuck is Leonard Davis?” Peterson asked after speaking with the guard for over thirty minutes. “Nice guy and all, but I could’ve been talking to the janitor and it wouldn’t have made one bit of difference. I was afraid to ask him his name because I didn’t want to be rude, so I just waited till he signed my cast. He wrote 'Lenny'. I thought it said 'Larry'. So I said ‘Thanks Larry’ and he corrected me. That may have been the single most uncomfortable moment of my life.”

Peterson continuously checked the clock, wondering when the visit would end. He was almost certain it was a two-hour visit, but when the two-hour mark passed it was clear that the team would be staying for another excruciating hour.

“I realized it was a three hour visit,” said Peterson. “What a letdown, considering I was counting the seconds till the 2 hour mark. Now I'd have to think of more stuff to say to them, and they probably felt awkward, too. I didn’t want to ask how they did on Sunday, for obvious reasons. The only sensible question I could come up with was ‘Who are you?’“

Despite Peterson’s complaints, the Cardinals organization maintains that the visit was a roaring success.

“The best thing about these little visits,” said Cardinals wide receiver Bryant Johnson, “Is the look on the faces of the patients when we walk in. That makes it all worthwhile. You just sit down with them and all they want to do is ask questions about life in the NFL. It’s so rewarding to be able to make someone so happy, if only for a short three hours.”

“I know they came a long way to see me,” Peterson said. “And I appreciate the time and effort they’re dedicating. But come on, the Arizona Cardinals? These guys can’t run, pass or catch. Do they even qualify as an NFL team? I don’t mean to be cold, but I would rather have seen a quality college team, like the Miami Hurricanes or the Oklahoma Sooners. This program blows.”

Peterson was only able to endure 2 hours and 30 minutes of the visit before he escaped the only way he knew how.

“I have a permanent Morphine drip stuck into my arm. All I have to do it press this little button and the Morphine flows into my veins. I’m not big into drugs, but with 30 minutes left in that snooze-a-thon I decided I couldn’t take it any more and started pressing the button like crazy. I think I gave myself enough Morphine to down a rhinoceros. I didn’t wake up till three days later.”

Running back Marcel Shipp was alarmed by Peterson’s sudden loss of consciousness.

“I was telling him about our 44-6 loss to the Cleveland Browns when all of a sudden his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he just lost it. He was gone – out like a light. I thought he was dead, but it turns out he was just sleeping. Poor guy must’ve been exhausted from all the excitement.”