CLEVELAND--A group of Cleveland Indians players gathered at the Cuyahoga County Public Library on Thursday to be part of the team’s Grand Slam Summer reading program. The hypocrites read books and stressed the importance of reading to a group of schoolchildren who had no idea how full of shit they were.

“Kids, the most important thing you can do in life is learn to read,” said outfielder Grady Sizemore, who became a baseball star without ever having to read so much as a magazine. “Reading opens up all kinds of doors for you, not just in the world, but in your mind. When I was a kid, my favorite book was ‘The Little Engine That Could.’ Today, my favorite book in the world is…‘The Little Engine That Could.’ It’s the only book I’ve ever ready, actually, but it really opened a lot of doors for me as a professional baseball player.”

On the other side of the room, DH Travis Hafner tried to convince a group of third graders that books played an integral part in his life.

“Without reading, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” lied Hafner. “I remember as a little kid I read ‘Clifford the Big Red Puppy’ and it really made an impression on me. I thought, ‘if this puppy can be big and…red…and, um…overcome that adversity, than I can become a millionaire baseball player. Without that book, I’d probably be shoveling shit somewhere in the sewer. Anyway, reading is fundamental or something. Can I go now?”

Hafner, like many of the athletes participating in summer reading programs for kids, feels hypocritical trying to sell the children on reading, especially when playing sports is much more useful and lucrative.

“It does feel a little bit wrong to stand up there and blow smoke up their asses like that,” Hafner said afterward. “It’s just not right. I’m encouraging them to do something I never would have done myself. I think next time I do one of these things I’m going to educate the kids on the joy of not reading. Now that's fun and rewarding. My life has been enriched by it.”

Not all the players feel it’s wrong to pretend that books were a crucial part of their career success. After all, not all children have what it takes to be professional baseball players and some of them may actually benefit from being literate.

“Just because we never benefited from being literate, doesn’t mean we should feel bad about pushing that shit on these kids,” said right fielder Casey Blake. “Some of them might actually need it. It’s not like every kid we talk to can be a big league hitter. That’s why, when I look into the eyes of these kids, I think to myself ‘They better learn to read, because many of them are really fat.’ I also think ‘What time is it?’ and 'Can I have your mothers phone number?’”

Blake even admitted to reading himself once in a while, even though it is totally unnecessary.

“I have read a book or two in my day,” he said. “I read The Da Vinci Code, which kind of sucked because it turns out they made a movie out of it so I pretty much wasted my time reading the book. I also read some John Grisham novels. It’s completely unnecssary, but it’s a pretty fun way to pass the time while your team is torpedoing to the bottom of the standings.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.