EVERGREEN, AL--After watching the stirring performance of American couple Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto on television last night,15-year-old Peter Saunders of Evergreen, Alabama has found his true calling: Ice dancing. Saunders excitedly began surfing the internet for information about lessons, but that excitement was tempered by his fear of breaking the news to his father, Gary.

“Ice dancing. Wow. I had no idea how cool it was,” said Saunders, who has never shown any interest in sports prior to the Olympics. “The grace, the athleticism, the artistry – it’s amazing. This is definitely something I could see myself doing. The only problem is telling my father. I don’t think he’s going to take it too well. He’ll probably think I’m gay or something. That’s how ignorant he is. He thinks ice dancing is gay.”

Saunders described his relationship with his father as “good,” but knows his father is a bit old fashioned and probably wouldn’t understand a young man’s fascination with ice dancing.

“I know my dad loves me and everything, but it’s hard for a guy like him to understand that ice dancing is an art form, and has nothing to do with sexual preference,” he said. “He comes from the old school, where guys play football, or at least basketball, and spend the rest of their time working on cars. I want to break free from that cycle. I want to ice dance! Holy shit, that did sound gay.”

Saunders plans to tell his father that he wants to take “ice skating” lessons to soften the blow a bit. After all, ice skating lessons could lead to a career in hockey.

“Ice skating sounds a helluva lot better than ice dancing. I can just tell him I’m getting into hockey or something. Oh man, this is such a pain in the ass! It will be a great day when a young man can tell his father that he has dreams of wearing a glittery costume and twirling around on the ice without fear of reproach. Perhaps if I emphasize the fact that I would be partnered with a hot babe it would make it more acceptable. Then again, the glittery shirt would probably offset the hot babe pretty quick.”

Gary Saunders has no idea that his son plans to pursue a career in ice dancing. The 47-year-old construction worker is still holding out hope that he will take an interest in football, baseball, basketball, or car racing.

“Pete is just like any other kid out there. He just needs a little direction,” said the elder Saunders. “It’s disappointing that he has so few hobbies and interests and that he spends most of his time in his room on the computer, but it could be worse. He could be one of those ice dancing fairies that I saw on the Olympics last night.”

The younger Saunders has set aside the coming weekend as the time to ask his dad about “ice skating” lessons.

“I already know what I’m going to say,” said Saunders. “I’m going to tell him that I’ve taken an interest in ice skating and I’d like some lessons. A year from now, once I’ve gotten really good, I’ll break the news to him that I’m actually interested in ice dancing and not hockey, and I’ll win him over by showing him how much grace, determination, and agility I have. Then he will see how much I love what I do and grudgingly accept me for who I am. Wait a minute. I think I just summarized the plot of American Anthem, starring 80’s gymnast Mitch Gaylord. Damn. Maybe I am gay.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.