Identity Thief Disappointed To Get Mike Tyson’s Identity

CLINTON, NJ--Kevin Katz, an identify thief from Clinton, NJ, was disappointed to get Mike Tyson’s identity after purchasing the social security and credit card numbers from an associate who was able to hack into the database of a large financial institution.

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“Of all the goddamn people to get, I get Mike frigging Tyson. Great,” said Katz, 33. “The guy’s in debt like $38 million. I’m already in debt a few thousand myself. The idea of identity theft is to get someone who has more money than you. So much for that idea. I couldn’t even get a Blockbuster card with this guy’s information.”

Katz also tried to charge several items to Tyson’s credit card, but was told it was no good.

“I called the Home Shopping Network and tried to buy this awesome Roger Clemens rookie card in mint condition, but they ended up declining the card. Then I tried to buy a new stereo system on Amazon.com and I got rejected for that, too. The reason was ‘card no longer valid.’ Obviously it was maxed out. Didn’t this guy make, like, $20 million a fight?”

Katz is an unemployed postal worker who has stumbled on hard times. After divorcing his wife of ten years, he was forced to move out of his home and rent an apartment on the outskirts of town. Being saddled with Tyson’s identity is just another blow for the hard luck Katz.

After failing to purchase goods with Tyson’s credit card, he attempted to open a cell phone account with the boxer’s social security number. That attempt also failed.

“I tried setting up an account with Cingular, but they turned me down,” said Katz. “They said I already had an account with them and it was way past due. Then the guy tried to keep me on the line to get some money from me, but I hung up. I called Verizon, Sprint, T-Mobile, and some company called Hank’s Wireless, and they all told me the same thing: I owe tons of money and should make a payment with an online check. What a nerve. I was like ‘I’m Mike Tyson, asshole. Screw you.’”

As a last resort, Katz attempted to open a bank account using Tyson’s name and social security number. That resulted in a disastrous episode which almost landed him in jail.

“Holy shit, I didn’t realize how much trouble this guy was in,” he said. “I gave all the information to the customer service rep, including my fake ID, and she plugged it into the computer. As soon as the information populated on the screen, she got this look on her face like she just saw a ghost. She said ‘Excuse me a moment, Mr. Tyson,' and came back with the bank manager. He took one look at my information and told me I could not open a bank account and should leave immediately or he would call the police. I started to argue, but then I remembered I was stealing someone’s identity and it probably wouldn’t be that great an idea.”

Across the country in Phoenix, where Tyson is training for an upcoming fight, the 38-year-old expressed surprise that his identity was stolen.

“I cannot believe someone would steal my identity,” said Tyson. “If he had just asked me for my identity, I would have given it to him. In fact, the offer still stands. How much is he in debt? $12,000? I see. I would like to trade identities with him. I will be Kevin Katz, regular guy from Jersey, and he can be Mike Tyson, broke, middle-aged boxer who is about to get his head crushed by some guy from England. He can have my criminal record, too. And this tattoo on my face. Please. Nobody told me these things don’t come off.”