CHICAGO--With less than a decade remaining before the complete collapse of civilization and the end of life as we know it, many historically inept franchises are under pressure to win now, lest they be reduced to smoldering ashes having never won the big one.

For that reason, title-less franchises like the Chicago Cubs, Detroit Lions, and Los Angeles Clippers are loading up on talent in a desperate attempt to break their championship drought before the apocalypse.

“There is a feeling around the league that the opportunity to win it all is fading pretty fast,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “It looks like it’s only going to be a matter of time before humanity is extinguished forever, and as a competitor, it would kill me to see that happen without the Cubs winning a World Series. So we’re putting all our chips on the table and just going for it. I would hate to see our championship drought outlast humanity.”

In the NBA, several franchises are feeling pressured to abandon their fiscally conservative ways and go for broke. In these pre-apocalyptic days, the term “win now” has taken on a whole new meaning.

“In this day and age, teams cannot afford to sit on their hands and wait,” said Cleveland Cavaliers GM Danny Ferry. “That’s why we’ve been so aggressive in acquiring top notch talent to surround Lebron James. You’ve got a superstar like him and, say, 8 or 9 more years before the four horsemen of the apocalypse lay waste to our cities, so you have to make your move now. Is there more pressure? Yes, but it’s the end of the world. Everybody’s feeling the pinch.”

The free agent class of 2010 represents the last, best chance for many NBA teams to secure championship-level talent and spend the remaining two or three years of human history trying to win it all. As a result, teams are already clearing cap space in preparation for the big year.

“You’re definitely seeing a lot of teams scrambling to get ready for 2010,” said Nets GM Kiki Vandeweghe. “It’s probably the first time I’ve ever seen teams so singularly focused on something so far off. But if you have a chance to sign one of the league’s best players, you owe it to the fans to at least try, even though those fans will be dead in about 10 years, and so will I and so will the players. Well, not Lebron. He’s built himself an escape pod so he can blast into space and find another planet to colonize. If nothing else, it’s comforting to know that he will live on.”

Though experts disagree on the exact timing of the apocalypse, the general belief is that it will take place some time in the next 10 to 15 years. The chance to win their first title on the eve of armageddon is a strong motivating factor for many GM's.

“I can just see it now: the Los Angeles Clippers win their first NBA title, and the next day the world ends,” said Clippers GM Mike Dunleavy. “Talk about going out on top. Imagine being remembered as the guy who won a title for the Clippers? Of course you wouldn’t be remembered for long, but perhaps a thousand years from now, when space aliens discover the ruins of our planet, they can piece together the remarkable string of events that led the Clippers to an NBA championship. That’s what keeps me going: hope for the future.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.