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OAKLAND--With the season just one month away, JaMarcus Russell, the top pick in the 2007 draft, remains a no-show at Raiders training camp. That won't change any time soon, according to reports, as Russell and the Raiders are still “miles apart” on how insane the rookie's contract should be.

The Raiders are said to be offering an insane $58 million with $28 million guaranteed, while Russell is seeking a slightly more insane $60 million deal with $30 million guaranteed.

“This hold out could easily last until September,” said one official with knowledge of the negotiations. “Should he receive $28 million guaranteed with some provisions to protect the team against injury or ineffectiveness? Or should he receive $30 million guaranteed with no such provisions? It’s a complicated scenario, but in the end I expect them to hammer out a deal that’s somewhere between grotesque and downright immoral.”

The negotiations have grown contentious in the past few days, with both sides refusing to budge from their stated demands. Even the recent signing of Calvin Johnson, the number two pick in the draft, has failed to speed up the process.

“Johnson’s deal was pretty offensive,” said the official. “But it’s not having any impact whatsoever on these negotiations, because JaMarcus is the top pick, and when you’re the top pick it’s a whole different ball game. The idea is to shoot so high that when you do 'compromise' you’ll still end up with a deal that makes a mockery of our whole economic system.”

Upon being selected by the Raiders, Russell said he was simply looking for standard compensation for a number one draft pick.

“I have no interest in holding out,” Russell said at the time. “I'm not looking to break the bank or anything. I just want to work out a fair deal for both sides so I can go out there and concentrate on playing football. I do hope to get a lot of guaranteed money, though, because the longer I stay out of camp the bigger chance there is that I could be a complete bust.”

The Raiders currently have three quarterbacks on the roster vying for the starting role: Josh McCown, Andrew Walter, and the recently signed Daunte Culpepper. With three veterans already on board, the Silver and Black are under no pressure to rush negotiations with Russell.

In fact, according to coach Lane Kiffin, he may have already lost the starting job.

“Even if he reported today, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to be the starting quarterback,” said Kiffin, in his first year as head coach. “We just signed Daunte Culpepper, and we also have Josh and Andrew Walter. As for JaMarcus, the talent is definitely there but he needs to come to camp. I hope he and his agent realize how far he’s falling behind right now. He could conceivably end up behind Andy Walter on the depth chart. Personally, I’d rather play for free than suffer that sort of indignity.”

Nonetheless, Kiffin stopped short of calling Russell “greedy,” pointing out that the NFL is a billion dollar business and the players deserve their share of the profits.

“$30 million may seem like a lot of money, but it’s a relatively tiny piece of the profits that the NFL takes in each year,” he said. “And why do they make so much money? The players, of course. And who pays the money? You, the fans. So thanks a lot for making my number one pick hold out of camp, assholes.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.