Iraqi Insurgents Inspired By Red Sox Victory

WASHINGTON, DC-- --According to a story in the Washington Post, Iraqi insurgents have been inspired by the Boston Red Sox vanquishing of the mighty New York Yankees. The stunning victory, which has underdogs everywhere believing in themselves, has provided the fighters with a well-needed jolt of energy in their quest to defeat the infidel Satans.

“It does appear that the insurgents have taken some inspiration from the Red Sox rousing victory over the hated Yankees,” said Master Sgt. Robert Cowens, a spokesman for the United States Army's First Infantry Division. “With the coming elections and the constant bombing of Fallujah, some of the rebels were feeling a bit discouraged. Unfortunately, now they have gotten their second wind, buoyed by the Red Sox miraculous comeback.”

The latest development has come at a delicate time for American forces. With the scheduled election rapidly approaching, the marines are planning an all-out assault on Fallujah, the hotbed of the insurgency. Now the Americans are faced with a tougher and more spirited foe.

“This is bad news for us right now,” said Cowens. “We’ve been making some progress against these guys recently but now the sentiment seems to be that this is not over. The Red Sox never gave up when they were down 3-0 to their hated rivals, and the insurgents aren’t giving up either. They’re fighting till the end, led by their leader, Al Zarqawi, who is like their version of David Ortiz.”

A recent video aired on Al Jazeera shows Al Zarqawi, dressed head to toe in black and standing in front of a large banner that reads “We Believe” in Arabic. On the tape, the terrorist mastermind vows victory against America, “no matter what the naysayers think.”

“The Americans will be defeated God willing. The mighty sword of Allah will cut the head off the infidels and drive the coalition forces out of our land. Bush, you evil snake, you dog, your crimes will not go unpunished. Just as Curt Schilling, with his bloody sock and sutured tendon, defeated the evil empire, so will the Mujadeen crush you and those who conspire with you. We’ll keep fighting until--as you say in America--the fat lady sings. We believe.”

Across Iraq, insurgents are emerging from their safe houses and bunkers to bring the fight to the coalition. The inroads that the interim government has worked so hard to establish are being destroyed. The weapons buyback program is on the verge of being canceled, and negotiators in Fallujah are reporting stalled talks with the tribal elders, who now believe they have a chance at driving the Americans out of their country for good.

“What seemed impossible a couple weeks ago now seems very possible to these people,” said one senior White House official. “The administration wants to convince the public that the insurgency is under control, but the truth is the American League Championship Series has had a huge impact on their morale and recruitment efforts. More and more Iraqis are joining the resistance, simply because they believe it can succeed.”

“And if you ask me, it’s all Mariano Rivera’s fault,” he added. “If he could’ve closed out Game 4, none of this would be happening.”

In and around Fallujah, Iraqis are buzzing about the Sox comeback victory. Residents of the war-torn city are telling US forces that their days are numbered because the resistance fighters have great chemistry and never, ever give up.

“The Red Sox have Manny Ramirez, Keith Foulke, and Johnny Damon,” said resident Abdul Fatah. “And the insurgents have Maan Khalf, Haidar Karar, and, of course, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The Mujadeen truly enjoy what they do, just like the Red Sox. And they genuinely care about each other. The Americans have no such chemistry. For them, it is 25 Humvees for 25 soldiers.”

In order to defeat the resistance, American forces must now do what the New York Yankees could not: Close the deal. That is why the coalition and the Iraqi interim government are preparing a ferocious assault on Fallujah in the coming weeks. Prime Minister Ayad Allawi warned today that they would “not make the same mistakes as Joe Torre.”

“The insurgents’days are numbered,” he said in his weekly radio address. “God willing they will not be able to terrorize the Iraqi people any longer. We are well aware of what the Boston Red Sox were able to accomplish and will not allow the same thing to occur in the city of Fallujah. We will battle like it is Game 7 and secure victory. This time, the evil empire will be victorious. Wait--allow me to rephrase that. The Americans will be victorious.”