Iraq Constitution Fails To Address Steroid Issue

BAGHDAD--The new Iraqi constitution, slated to be completed by the end of this week, fails to address the steroid issue, sources reported Tuesday. The exclusion of language dealing with the controversial issue has perplexed US lawmakers, who saw it as a crucial element in the formation of a new Iraq. After reading the first draft of the constitution, congress pressured parliament members to rethink their“shocking apathy.”

“This is extremely confusing,” said Rep Cliff Stearns (R-FL), chairman of the Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection Subcommittee, which held hearings on the steroid scandal earlier this year. “Why would a fledging democracy not want to address an issue that is threatening the integrity of sports? They’ve got a whole thing here about not having illegal militias. They have stuff about federalism, security, oil, women’s rights—everything you can think of, but no steroids. The Iraqi people deserve better than this.”

Thomas M Davis (R-VA) also criticized the Iraqis, saying the constitution is incomplete without an anti-steroid bill.

“I have to voice my displeasure with this document,” said Davis, himself the chairman of the Government Reform Committee. “It pains me to think that the leaders of Iraq spent months working on this constitution and never once considered the impact of performance enhancing drugs on our nation’s youth. This kind of apathy is only going to make the problem worse. This is why the middle east is so screwed up. We should just nuke the whole place and start over again.”

Davis reminded the Iraqis of the tumultuous year major league baseball has had and expressed regret that they took no steps to avoid the same fate.

“They had an opportunity and they blew it. That’s what kills me the most,” said Davis . “I’m sure if the forefathers of America knew about the steroid problem, they would have it them their number one priority while writing the constitution. We are trying to make up for their appalling lack of foresight and now, sadly, future generations of Iraqis will have to do the same thing.”

The US congress has been actively involved in the steroid crisis for the past few years. Multiple hearings have been held to determine what should be done to eliminate the scourge of performance enhancing drugs from our national sports landscape. When Iraqi lawmakers began work on the constitution, it was widely assumed that they would address the issue of steroids in sports. Unfortunately, that issue was low on their list of priorities.

“Yes it is true that we neglected this so-called ‘hot button issue,” said Saleh al-Khalizad, a member of the Shiite constitutional committee. “But that is only because we had many other topics to discuss, such as the role of Islam, Kurdish autonomy, security, and of course, the rights of women. We did not get to the steroid thing. We were too busy, oh, I don’t know, trying not to get blown up. Perhaps someday our nation will be prosperous enough that we can spend our time worrying about urine.”

Al-Khalizad did say that steroids were “of some concern” to Iraq and the issue would be addressed in due time.

“Of course we are concerned about these vile supplements and performance enhancing drugs,” he said. “It is very important to have our athletes competing clean. Also, we wish to send the proper message to our nation’s youth. Believe me, if any of our soccer stars were caught injecting these steroids, they would have their tongues cut out and their hands smashed with a cinder block, and then be set upon by vicious attack dogs. That’s also the penalty for jaywalking, so watch where you’re going.”

Even if a law was introduced to deal with steroids, al-Khalizad says that there would be no guarantee all sides would agree to implement it.

“Before we address this, we must make sure all parties are in agreement,” he said. “Like the Sunnis. We have not spoken with them on the matter and are not sure how they feel about it. But you know how they are. They disagree with everything. We would probably have to twist their arms just to acknowledge that steroids exist. Then there is the logistical issue. We don't even have a function pen right now. It ran out yesterday and we are waiting for a new one to be shipped from India. Why do you think we had this delay?"