Isiah Thomas Executes Four Knicks To Free Up Cap Space

NEW YORK, NY - In order to relieve the salary cap pressure the Knicks have been toiling under for years, coach Isiah Thomas shot and killed four players, thereby easing the cap burden on the struggling franchise. The four players, Shandon Anderson, Keith Van Horn, Dikembe Motumbo, and Michael Doleac were executed Monday afternoon after practice. Thomas regretted the move, but the team could no longer afford to be handcuffed by cap restrictions.

“It was a hard decision, but that’s why they pay me,” said an emotional Thomas during a press conference. “Keith, Dikembe, Shandon, Mike – they were all great guys. It’s not a personal vendetta of any kind. But when your in this business, you’ve got to put relationships aside and do what’s best for the team. And in this situation, killing those guys helped us a lot.”

The killings occurred after the team had finished Monday’s shootaround. Typically, before the players head back to the locker room, they gather in a circle so the coach can offer advice and criticisms. But on Monday, coach Wilkins singled out Anderson, Van Horn, Motumbo, and Doleac, and led them into this office where Thomas was waiting with a loaded shotgun. Wilkins and Thomas then explained to the players that they were being terminated in order to free up cap space.

“Isiah was very professional and sympathetic to the players,” said Wilkins. “He handled it about as well as it could be handled. He was honest right from the get go, and he never pussyfooted around what he had to do. That’s all that a player can ask for, really. Honesty. Guys just want you to be straight with them.”

Thomas then thanked the four and assured them it was nothing personal.

“I just told them I appreciated all the hard work they did for the Knicks franchise,” said Thomas. “I told them it was strictly a business decision. Believe me, if I had my druthers those guys would still be alive today. But this business is tough. It’s all about the bottom line.”

Wilkins reports that the players took the news with the utmost professionalism.

“They were understandably upset,” said Wilkins. “Who wouldn’t be? Anytime a player is traded, released, or shot, it hurts his pride. Also they were going to be dead, so that added another component to it. But they all said they understood and wished Isiah luck. Keith even said he wanted to be buried in his Knicks uniform. What a team player. Man, that guy bleeds Knickerbocker blue. Actually, he bleeds red. I saw it myself.”

After the brief exchange between Thomas and the four players, gunshots rang out throughout the Knicks locker room. The team was stunned by the jarring sound but knew all too well what had just taken place.

“I jumped a mile when I heard the shot,” said Stephon Marbury. “We all kind of looked around at each other. We knew what was going on. Boy, this is a tough business. Goddamn salary cap. There’s no such thing as loyalty anymore. It’s all about the bottom line. You cost too much cash, you get shot, just like that. I just feel bad for some of the young kids in here. If they didn’t realize what an impersonal business this was before, they sure do now. But there’s a silver lining here, too. We’re finally under the cap and can sign some free agents. I’m sure they would’ve wanted it this way.”

Indeed, things are looking up for the New Yorkers. As soon as the media got wind of the fatal shootings, a firestorm of publicity ensued, with the vast majority of pundits and fans coming down on the side of Thomas.

“Tough Love!” screamed a headline on the back page of the New York Post. “New Sheriff In Town!” read a headline in the New York Daily News.

As for the Knicks players, they haven’t forgotten about their fallen comrades. Starting tomorrow, each team member will sport a black headband in honor of Van Horn, Doleac, Motumbo, and Anderson.

“It’s just our way of paying tribute,” said guard Allan Houston. “We won’t ever forget those guys. Keith, Mike, Dikembe and…who was the third guy? Oh yea – Anderson. They’ll live in our memories forever.”

Unfortunately for the Knicks front office, the murder of four players may have adversely affected their ability to sign marquee stars and soon-to-be free agents. Tracy McGrady, who has voiced his desire to leave Orlando, claims that the Knicks have dropped down on his list of potential suitors.

“The Knicks huh? Well, lets see. It’s a great market. They seem to have a real good future, and they can afford me,” said McGrady. “But they just killed some players. Shot them dead. Um…maybe I’ll just stay here in Orlando. At least I know I’m in no danger of being executed – by the front office anyway.”