Allen Iverson Not So Tough In Dress Slacks, Loafers

PHILADELPHIA, PA-- The NBA instituted a new dress code for its players this week in an attempt to soften the league’s image. Instead of gold chains, baggy jeans, and do-rags, players will be forced to dress in “business casual” attire. The dress code is already having an impact, as some of the NBA’s most intimidating players, like the 76ers Allen Iverson, now look like total pussies before and after games.

“I look so goddamn gay right now,” Iverson said to reporters as he was walking off the team bus Tuesday for a game against the Knicks. “Look at these pants. Khakis? I never in my life thought I’d be wearing khakis. I didn’t even know what the word meant until last week. And these shoes suck. If I knew I was going to have to dress like this, I would've stuck to my original career path of being a mutual funds trader.”

Iverson also knows that he is no longer intimidating to older white people.

“One thing I’m already missing is the frightened glances I used to get from white people when I walked by,” said Iverson. “You could tell they were really intimidated when I had my sideways hat, my oversized gold chains, my knee-length Julius Irving retro shirt, and of course, my tattoos. Now all you can see is the one on my neck, and it’s partially covered by my shirt collar so it actually looks like I have some hideous skin disease.”

Iverson isn’t the only player who is upset about the new dress code. Several of his peers have already complained about it but the league hasn’t budged, and it looks as though everybody will just have to get used to it.

“I don’t think there’s too much we can do about it,” said Iverson’s teammate, Lee Nailon. “It looks like David Stern is really concerned about changing the league’s image from hip-hop to something else. It’s OK with me, because I like dressing up anyway. For Allen it’s tough, because it goes against his image as a common criminal.”

The dress code applies to all players and must be worn during public appearances, interviews, and games if the player is injured and not wearing his uniform. Any player who violates the dress code will be fined. Some, like Denver’s Marcus Camby, are willing to pay the fine if it means dressing how they want.

“They can fine me. I don’t really care,” said a defiant Camby. “They can’t be telling us how to dress. We’re grown men here. That would be like an accountant or banker being sent home from work because he’s wearing jeans, a bandana, and a 50 Cent shirt. It’s ridiculous. That would never happen. We should be held to the same standards as everyone else.”

The idea for the dress code originated with Commissioner Stern, who wants the NBA to be more like the NFL, in which players must wear suits and ties when they travel in public with their teams. He scoffed at the suggestion that he was trying to distance the league from hip-hop culture and style.

“It’s not about hip hop. It’s just about carrying yourselves in a dignified and professional manner,” said Stern. “These players are representing the league and their team every time they go out in public. They’re making millions of dollars. They should be able to afford a few nice suits. And for those players who disagree with the dress code, well, maybe it’s time to grow the fuck up. Seriously, nobody gives a shit about your collection of retro-jerseys.”

Stern did admit, however, that some of the players look “damn funny” in their new duds.

“OK, I admit that some of the guys don’t exactly look comfortable in their new attire,” he said. “Take Steve Nash, for example. He normally dresses like he’s going to a Pearl Jam concert. Now he sort of looks like some generic temp worker in an office. And how about Allen Iverson? Holy shit, I used to run and hide when he came around, now I have to stifle a laugh. He looks less comfortable in that suit than I would in a pair of ass-less leather pants. And I can tell you from experience that those things chafe like crazy.”