Lebron James Personally Matches Utah’s Offer Sheet To Carlos Boozer

Amid the furor over Carlos Boozer’s flirtation with the Utah Jazz, Cavs superstar Lebron James has stepped in and saved the day. The young multi-millionaire has done his part to reunite the team and Boozer by personally matching the Jazz’s six-year, $68 million offer. James, through the Cavaliers, has offered Boozer an 8-year, $100 million deal to stay in Cleveland. A spokesman for Boozer said the power forward was “seriously considering” the offer.

“It’s a very generous offer from Lebron,” said the spokesman. “Carlos certainly appreciates the gesture and has held off signing the Jazz’s offer in order to give it some consideration. The fact that it was offered in cash definitely makes it more enticing.”

Sources say the Cavs turned to James after exhausting all efforts to keep Boozer on the team. The club is already over the salary cap and could not match the offer from the Jazz. Luckily, James intervened in and made his own offer.

“We owe a great debt of gratitude to Lebron,” said GM Jim Paxson. “After we saw Utah’s offer, we knew we had no chance to match it. So we did something we really didn’t want to do, which is go to Lebron and ask for help. He offered his assistance immediately. In fact, within an hour he was at our office with a big bag of cash. There were hundred dollar bills spilling out of it as he walked in the door. He just tossed it on my desk, asked if there was anything else we needed, and then left. He was talking on his cell phone the whole time. Talk about nonchalant. He probably found the money between his sofa cushions.”

Under the terms of the deal, Boozer would return to play for the Cavs for over $10 million a year. The Cavaliers would suffer no cap penalties, since Boozer would not technically be on their payroll. He would play as an employee of Lebron James, and be added to the second-year player’s already vast payroll.

“This is a great situation for us if it works out,” said Paxson. “We can lock up a great player for a lot of years and it won’t cost us a dime. He’ll be working for Lebron. I mean, technically we’re all working for Lebron, but Carlos would be the only one actually on the payroll.”

Sources close to the James family said that his payroll already far surpasses that of any professional sports team. The star guard employs hundreds of people to operate his business empire and keep track of his endorsement deals. He also employs several personal assistants, lawyers, nutritionists, massage therapists, sycophants, PR reps, and security guards. If Boozer signs James’ offer sheet, he will join this vast group of people as one of James’ underlings.

“Lebron has a large staff already, so adding Carlos to the mix would be no problem,” said Sandy Reismer, spokeswoman for James. “He could actually be written off as a business expense since basketball is Lebron’s main business. And as an employee of Lebron, Carlos would enjoy great health and dental coverage, six weeks vacation, and a generous 401k plan. Plus, on weekends he can come over and wax Lebron’s Escalade.”

James downplayed his generous offer to Boozer, claiming he was just doing his part to help the team.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said. “I’m sure Carlos would’ve done the same for me if I was leaving the team. I know a hundred million sounds a little pricey, but I’m not about to let a decent rebounder and slightly above average shot blocker get away from us and go to the Jazz. Frankly, I did all this to save Paxson’s job. If this thing had ended badly, I might’ve had to fire the guy.”

Paxson did not comment directly about his potential firing, but did call James “a very generous and kind individual.”

“I can’t comment on my job status or anything like that, but let’s just say that Lebron is a kind, merciful, and benevolent person,” he said. “A lot of guys would’ve taken the easy way out and made unnecessary changes to the front office, but Lebron was patient and decided to do what’s best for the team. Now that we have Carlos Boozer locked up for ten years, we should start hanging up those banners, because we all know that Duke graduates mean boatloads of championships.”

While Boozer has yet to make a final decision on the contract, James said that he has contingency plans for any situation.

“Trust me. Carlos will be playing for the Cavs for a very long time,” said James. “If I have to up the offer I will. If I have to throw in a few incentives, I’ll do that. And if I have to strong-arm the Jazz I can do that, too. Worst case scenario, I’ll buy the Jazz and then trade Carlos back to the Cavaliers. Then I’ll run the Jazz into the ground and liquidate the bastards. But I’d feel much more comfortable having Carlos just stay in Cleveland. That’s a helluva lot of trouble to go through to keep someone who’s vertical leap is about four inches.”