Jim Rome Talks Some Serious Smack About Whoever Took The Last Blueberry Muffin

BRISTOL, CT--Jim Rome, controversial host of ESPN’s Rome Is Burning, turned his acerbic, sharp tongued rhetoric at whoever it was that took the last blueberry muffin from the break room the other morning.

“Who the hell stole the last blueberry muffin? I had my name on that thing,” spat an irate Rome to members of his staff. “People need to start respecting the property of others around here. I don’t care if you’re some big shot staffer at ESPN headquarters. That doesn’t mean you have a free pass to do whatever you want. It’s wrong to steal people’s blueberry muffins. Dead wrong.”

According to sources, the blueberry muffin in question was in a small ziploc bag with the name “Jim” written on it with black magic marker. It was the last muffin available and since Rome had already eaten breakfast, he decided to mark it with his name so he could return and eat it the next morning. But in the interval between the marking and the next morning, the muffin disappeared.

“I don’t know who took it,” said temp worker Laura Robinson. “But they better watch out. Everyone knows Jim isn’t afraid to say what he thinks, and I wouldn’t want to be the target of his unique brand of no holds barred trash talking. They should be buying Jim a new muffin immediately, if they know what’s good for them.”

Jim Rome has made a name for himself with his pointed, politically incorrect sports commentary. His methods and demeanor have earned him the reputation as someone who is not to be crossed.

“Someone ate Jim’s muffin?” asked Jon Sumner, assistant producer for Rome Is Burning. “Oh, man. I don’t envy that guy. Jim never backs down from anyone. If he ever finds the culprit, he’ll be talkin smack about him like there’s no tomorrow. He doesn’t care whose toes he steps on.”

Rome, who was forced to drive to Krispy Kreme himself and purchase another blueberry muffin, was still visibly perturbed the next day.

“Scumbags like this really get to me,” he said. “Taking things from innocent people is not the way we do things around here. The employees here are too coddled and spoiled. They’ve never heard the word ‘no’, and they think that the world is their playground. Well, the game is over, pal. It's time to be held accountable. You wanna eat a blueberry muffin of your own, be my guest. But the bottom line is you can’t take other people’s muffins. I know a lot of guys would be afraid to talk this kind of smack, but not me. Bring it on.”

Rome’s smack talking has the entire office on edge. Employees who were once friends now eye each other suspiciously, and everyone is a suspect. But with Rome on the warpath, don’t expect the guilty party to come forward anytime soon.

“Hey, if I stole the muffin, I wouldn’t tell anyone. No way,” said one employee, speaking anonymously. “You come clean and the next thing you know you’re being mentioned on Rome Is Burning. Boy, he really lays into people on that show, especially on the ‘smackdown’ segment. I hope that muffin tasted good to whoever stole it, because it may be the last one he ever eats.”

But Rome insists that the muffin situation won’t appear on the television show. He says that Rome Is Burning is strictly a sports related show, and that the muffin situation will be handled internally.

“This is between me and that dirtbag who stole my muffin,” hissed Rome to reporters today. “Don’t think because I’m not smacking this guy down on my show that I’ll forget about it. This is a simple case of right and wrong. I don’t know about you, but I expect my people to carry themselves in a certain way, and if you can’t do that, then get out of the business. There’s no place for the kind of slime who stole my muffin in this office. Watch your back, pal, because the smack talk is just beginning and if you can't handle it then their better be a blueberry muffin on my desk tomorrow morning.”

Rome went on to say if he finds out who the culprit is, he may include he or she in the “Hot/Not” section of his show.

“How would you like to be put on the Hot/Not list, pal? Guy who stole my muffin: Hot or not? Not!”