John Kruk’s Column Mistaken For Lost Writings Of Ernest Hemingway

NEW YORK--John Kruk’s new ESPN.com baseball column "Chewing the Fat," was mistaken for the lost writings of Ernest Hemingway by researcher Michael S Reynolds, sources reported Wednesday.

Reynolds, who has been searching for the legendary lost transcripts for nearly thirty years, was elated upon discovering the column, only to be crushed when further research revealed that it was the work of ex-baseballer Kruk.

“I have searched for these writings for decades,” said a despondent Reynolds. “My quest has taken me from the peaks of Kilimanjaro to the barrios of Madrid, and now to Mr. Kruk’s ‘Chewing the Fat’ column.”

Reynolds said he was taken in by the simple, spare style of writing, and the subtle wisdom just beneath the surface. He believes Kruk must be a Hemingway scholar, given the similarities of both writers’ prose.

“Clearly this Kruk is some kind of Hemingway fanatic, since his prose contains the same stark simplicity as Papa’s work,” said Reynolds. “Either that or he is some kind of savant, capable of reproducing the power and beauty of Hemingway without even breaking a sweat. Regardless, I have not found the lost transcripts. I have, however, discovered another master.”

Reynolds’s journey to find the mythical lost writings has been a long and arduous one. He began in 1963 as a student at Oxford University, where he wrote a thesis that postulated the existence of the lost tomes. After 41 years, the discovery of Kruk’s column has injected a new sense of urgency into his quest.

“When my colleague Ian emailed me a sampling of Kruk’s column, a certain wonder within me was awakened and I vowed, rejuvenated, to continue digging,” said Reynolds. “The richness of Kruk’s style, along with his no-nonsense, skin and bones approach, imbued in me the spirit of Hemingway himself, and the pointed way in which he skewered the American Idol voters for the jilting of Jennifer Hudson told me that I had found what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I then realized that American Idol is a modern television show and would not have been a part of Ernest’s writing. Oh, cruel fate how you mock me!”

He was also impressed with Kruk’s insightful dissection of Major League Baseball’s “anything goes” approach to advertising that almost manifested itself in the placing of Spiderman logos on the bases.

“Papa Hemingway would have scoffed at those fools in the commissioner’s office for their silly attempt to raise revenue,” said Reynolds. “The way that Kruk used his aggressively simplistic, conversational style of prose to expose their hypocrisy nearly brought tears to my eyes. Oh, Papa. You left us too soon!”

Kruk’s column debuted a few weeks ago in ESPN.com’s Page 2 section. The former major leaguer was asked to pen a weekly series chronicling news around the league and giving insight into the latest developments. The editors wanted him to infuse the column with his own unique style, even though he has no training as a writer and takes an unconventional approach to the art.

“Basically I just write how I feel about stuff that’s going on in the league,” said Kruk. “Like if I’m upset about the Spiderman thing I just, like, say how upset I am and stuff. It’s fun, but it’s hard work. I tend to have problems spelling words and putting sentences together, so my editors really have to clean up the work for me. But that’s cool. I’m still learning.”

Reynolds dismissed Kruk’s comments as a brilliant writer attempting to be modest. He points out that there are many similarities between Kruk and Hemingway and has urged Kruk to write a novel of his own.

“It strikes me that Kruk, aside from being a genius with a pen and paper, also was a fine baseball player,” said Reynolds. “Hemingway was also a man of action. He was a skilled hunter and outdoorsman, not a frail, pencil-pushing desk jockey like some of his contemporaries. Kruk and Papa are clearly kindred spirits, and it would be nothing less than tragic to see Kruk waste away his life writing for ESPN. He should be penning epic, age defining novels of passion and ardor. He should be chronicling his life in baseball in a rich, vast tapestry of words and images, and then committing suicide in dramatic fashion.”

Unfortunately for Reynolds, Kruk said that he planned to continue writing his weekly piece for ESPN and striving to improve his spelling and grammar skills. He has no immediate plans to pen a novel.