CHARLOTTE, NC--Michael Jordan is now part owner of the NBA’s Charlotte Bobcats after a deal that gave him a stake in most of majority partner Robert Johnson’s ventures. For his first act as owner, Jordan reached out to the Bobcats players by personally telling each and every one of them that they’re worthless and nowhere near as good as he was, a tactic similar to one he used in Washington to motivate top draft pick Kwame Brown.

“Well that was interesting,” said point guard Brevin Knight, who received the call from Jordan last night. “Michael Jordan just called me on the phone. Me, Brevin Knight. He told me I was lazy and soft and said my court vision was nonexistent and that I’d be better off playing in the NBDL where at least I wouldn’t embarrass myself on television. I thanked him for the advice. Then he called me a coward for thanking him. What a master motivator! Now I understand why Kwame Brown is the rock-hard, emotionally stable person that he is today.”

Jordan then called center Emeka Okafor and left a message on his answering machine.

“Emeka, this Michael Jordan. How’s it going?” the message began. “I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that you’re pathetic and weak. Do you really think I would’ve missed so much time with an ankle injury? Me? Michael Jordan? Not likely. Then again I’m not a sniveling pussy-wimp, either. Nice grade point average, by the way. Hey, you know the square root of 9. Congratulations! I have 6 championship rings.”

Like Knight, Okafor was delighted to receive a personal message from an NBA legend. However, he was slightly put off by the condescending tone.

“I have all the respect in the world for Michael Jordan, but I have to say I was disappointed in that message he left me,” Okafor said. “It was so insulting! He called me names, he said I was weak, he even insulted my grade point average. I think this is his way of trying to challenge me so I’ll prove him wrong. Or maybe he really just hates me. Whatever. It’s just exciting to have someone like him in our front office. I’m sure his amazing dunking ability will make us a championship contender in no time.”

Bobcats coach and GM Bernie Bickerstaff was aware of Jordan’s comments to his players. While he was surprised at the viciousness of the insults, he said it’s all part of Jordan’s personality as a master motivator.

“Well that’s Michael for you. He will get into your head and he will stay there until you shape up,” Bickerstaff said. “That’s just his way. He’s uncompromising. He wants everyone to be as hard-working and intense as he was. He even had a few choice words for me the other day. He told me I was goofy-looking and stumpy and bald. Heh. I guess he’s right. But at least I didn’t fuck up the Washington Wizards and get my ass fired for it. No, wait a minute. Yes I did.”

The Bobcats have the 3rd pick in the draft next week and are considering several players, including the Huskies’ Rudy Gay. Gay has mixed feelings about the possibility of playing for a team owned by Michael Jordan.

“Michael Jordan, huh? He’s a tough guy, from what I hear,” said Gay, who averaged 15.2 points per game last season. “He’s a real competitor. I sometimes wonder if I could survive in that kind of atmosphere. You know, I’m a fairly genteel guy. You might even say I’m lethargic. I think Michael and I might clash if we got together. Actually a clash would be a mutual thing. This would be more like an extremely painful mugging. Is is too late for me to go back to school?”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.