Jose Canseco Reality Show Starting To Look Inevitable

LOS ANGELES--Now that Jose Canseco’s book has become the top selling book in the country and the backstabbing slugger has become a symbol of greed, corruption and depravity, experts say that a reality TV show based on his day-to-day life is all but inevitable. Though no official announcement has been made, Canseco is probably in negotiations as we speak, and the show could become a reality within weeks.

“Let’s see, all the ingredients are there: He’s an idiot, a moron, and he’s embroiled in an ugly scandal,” said Mark Burnett, producer of Survivor and The Apprentice. “He’s a cheater and a liar, he stabbed all his friends and former teammates in the back, he’s making wild accusations that can’t possibly be proven, and what’s more, he’s a national laughingstock. If this guy doesn’t get a reality TV show soon, there’s something seriously wrong with America.”

Burnett said that simply following Canseco around with a camera would make for an entertaining half hour show, especially for a network like VH1, or E!.

“That could be a lot of fun,” he said. “Someone would just grab a camera and spend 24 hours a day with the guy. He could do lots of stupid stuff and make a fool out of himself. It would be completely tacky, classless and pathetic, perfect for some network with no shame at all, like every network.”

With Canseco’s fame at its highest point since his playing days, current major league ballplayers are resigned to the fact that a reality television show is right around the corner. Like the rest of America, they are bracing themselves for the worst.

“It’s coming. It’s going to happen. I already know it,” said one AL player. “We all know it. Everybody in the damn country knows it. It’s a matter of when, not if. You know, sort of like a terrorist attack. You know it’s coming but you don’t know when, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. I guess you could say we’re on orange alert. A Jose Canseco reality show may be imminent.”

Before publishing his book, “Juiced,” Canseco was placed under house arrest for violating probation stemming from a nightclub brawl in 2001. During his house arrest he earned some quick cash by charging a fan $2,500 to spend the day with him at his Miami estate. The incident showed that Canseco is no stranger to whoring himself to the unwashed masses.

“Oh, this is a guy who would be thrilled to have his own reality show,” said Time magazine media critic Eric Auletta. “I’m actually shocked it hasn’t happened yet. He’s a washed up celeb with no self-respect and no money. Why hasn’t some sleazy producer come in to take advantage of the situation? He-lo! Class D celebrity here! Where the hell are the cameras?”

In addition to the inevitable reality show, sources at ESPN say that the network is developing its own original movie based on Canseco’s life. The unauthorized film would follow Canseco’s career path from his minor league days all the way to the present, and feature a non-memorable lead performance by a mediocre actor.

Said ESPN producer Carol Casey: “We are working on a Canseco-related project right now. Like all our movies it will be a no-holds barred, brutally honest examination of a fascinating subject ,starring an actor in a terrible wig. We’ll promote the hell out of it, too, so by the time it’s actually aired everybody will be so burnt out from the commercials they won’t even watch the damn thing. Then maybe we’ll do one about Mark McGwire. I hear Brian Dennehy may be available for the lead.”