Unruly Crowd Fails To Obey Jumbotron

DETROIT, MI-- A crowd at Detroit's Comerica park was deemed 'unruly and undisciplined' yesterday when it repeatedly failed to follow the explicit instructions given by the Jumbotron during the team's 13-0 nothing loss to the Baltimore Orioles.

The crowd, demoralized and silenced by the lopsided score, sat motionless in the 7th inning when the Jumbotron came to life and demanded attentiveness. Despite the explicitness of the orders and the clarity with which they were issued, most audience members refused to "make some noise", even after the Jumbotron cranked up the pressure by shouting "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!".

"I can't understand it," said scoreboard operator Walter Friedman. "I specifically typed the words 'Lets make some noise', as well as 'Lets make it LOOOUUUUDD!', until finally, in a last ditch effort to draw a response I typed 'I CANT HEARRR YOU!'"

The challenge went unanswered. Even though the orders were given at a very loud volume accompanied by visual aides and exciting pop music, the crowd of 11,345 remained seated and subdued, quietly eating their popcorn and watching the game.

"I was just sitting there, relaxing, and thinking about what I was going to make for dinner when I got home," said fan Glen Walker. "Then this giant scoreboard starts imploring me to scream. Well I'm sorry. The team's down 13-0. I really didn't feel like making any noise."

"Unruly, uncooperative crowds have become a big problem for the league," said league president Sandy Alderson. "It's something we really need to address. If we can't get the crowd going with thrilling messages like 'LET'S HEAR IT PEOPLE!', then something's just not right."

According to witnesses, the scoreboard operator became further exasperated when he failed to draw a response from the crowd by blaring Who Let the Dogs Out from the PA system.

"Yea, I know the team was getting their butts kicked, but when you play Who Let the Dogs Out, you expect a certain conditioned response, and it just wasn't there," he said.

Friedman went on to say that only about three people responded to the call of "who let the dogs out" with the requisite "woof woof woof woof" that is expected from a sporting event crowd.

With crowds increasingly refusing to follow the normal cues for applause and cheering, the league is looking at other ways to liven up the experience of a baseball game.

"We can't just sit there and let people watch the game," he said. "That's not acceptable. Fans need to be constantly stimulated with images, pop music, and blaring behavioral instructions. We just haven't worked hard enough as a league to train the audience to follow the emotional cues given by the Jumbotron"

One radical new idea for achieving this goal is a pre-game audience warm-up similar to what studio audiences experience prior to the recording of a television show. The audience will be given complete and thorough instructions on how to act and respond, and drilled on the cues and expected reactions.

"Its a radical idea," says Alderson,"but it just might work. You don't come to a baseball game to sit there and think. You come to a baseball game to blindly obey orders given by a large electronic demigod, bark like a dog, and do the chicken dance"