NEW YORK--The latest installment of Rockstar Games’ popular video game Grand Theft Auto will once again feature a gun-toting protagonist working to establish a criminal empire in a major U.S. city. The game, which won’t be released until October, already has officials in an uproar over its graphic depiction of violence and its glamorization of kicking ass all over the place.

“This game clearly glorifies kicking ass,” said Jason Post, spokesman for media watchdog group National Institute on Media and Family. “The trailer depicts a protagonist who has admittedly ‘killed people, smuggled people, and sold people.’ This kind of thing will only serve to glamorize fucking people up, which is a terrible message to be sending to kids. We should be teaching them to love one another instead. That's much more exciting than murdering your way to the top of a vast criminal empire in the greatest city in the world with every vehicle and weapon at your disposal.”

Over the years, the Grand Theft Auto series has become famous for its open-ended playing style which allows users to rampage through city streets using machine guns, bazookas, and flame throwers to destroy anything in their path. The game has been a thorn in the side of parents and media watchdog groups, partly for its violent content, and party because it is so obscenely awesome to play.

“If the folks at Rockstar Games want to promote violence and depravity, they’re going to have to make this game less of an orgasmic joy to play,” said Post. “I mean, have you seen the graphics on this thing? Unbelievable. The best I’ve ever seen. And the storyline is awesome, and the soundtrack, I’m sure, will be the balls. Hell, even I want to play this game. I’ve got it on pre-order. Damn you, Rockstar Games, for sending me the wrong message!”

Anti-obscenity activist Jack Thompson, a U.S. attorney, has threatened to sue the maker of the game, Take Two Interactive, to ensure GTA doesn’t end up being sold to minors. Thompson has railed against Grand Theft Auto in the past, but has been unsuccessful in his attempts to have the game banned.

In response to Thompson’s threats, Take Two has filed their own suit to block him from having the game declared a public nuisance.

“Mr. Thompson has tried to sue us in the past and his complaints have been completely baseless,” said Roger Monfort, lawyer for Take Two Interactive. “It’s only a video game, Jack. And the only thing it’s teaching kids is that if you kick enough ass, you’ll get what you want out of life. What’s wrong with that? It’s much more useful than teaching them to stack geometric shapes on top of each other or something. That isn’t going to get you laid. I don’t care how good you are at it.”

Thompson, however, remains undeterred and will continue his efforts to keep GTA out of the hands of children.

“I’m going to torment them until they take concrete action to ensure that this game does not end up being sold to minors,” Thompson said. “The last thing we need is for these ticking time bombs to be engaged in virtual murder and destruction. They’re already desensitized enough as it is. If they want to satisfy their bloodlust and dead hooker-fix, they can just turn on CSI like the rest of us.”

Take Two has pointed out repeatedly that the game is rated “M” for Mature and that it’s up to the retailers to keep the games away from minors.

“Look, we have a video game rating system in this country, and there’s a reason for that,” said Monfort. “It’s a way for retailers to know which games are for kids and which games are for grown-ups. So don’t sue us. Sue Best Buy or Wal-Mart or whoever else is selling this game. Also, the parents should take some responsibility here, too. There’s a big goddamn ‘M’ on the front cover, as well as pictures of machine guns, scantily clad chicks, drug dealers, and pimps. Don’t buy this for your child if you don’t like the cover. Instead, buy him Donkey Kong and let him go over his friend’s house to play Grand Theft Auto.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.