Moment Of Silence Held For Victims Of NBC Kickoff Special

WASHINGTON, DC--A moment of silence was held at Washington’s Fedex field Monday night for victims of NBC’s NFL kickoff special, which aired Thursday night before the season opener. The show, which featured a performance by P Diddy as well as numerous other atrocities, was seen by an estimated 20 million victims, many of whom will never be the same again.

“It’s important that we remember what the people who saw that show went through,” said season ticket holder Mark Hewson after the game. “I got lucky. I didn’t watch the show. But it could have been me. It could have been somebody I loved. When I think of it, I just…it just gives me the chills. Pink before a football game? My God it's like a nightmare come true. I bet those poor people got dumber just by watching it. They probably couldn't even tie their own shoes when it was over.”

The kick-off show featured a full fledged “concert” with Diddy, Pink, somebody named Rascal Flatts, and somebody named Cassie. Rich Eisen of the NFL Network was the host, but never uttered a word about football.

Days later, the horror is still fresh in the minds of those who witnessed it.

“I remember exactly where I was,” said Joe Scarillo, 30, a resident of Pittsburgh. “I was sitting in my living room waiting for the game when all of a sudden there’s Puff Daddy on my screen. Only he’s just called ‘Diddy’ now. Then 'Rascall Flatts.' Then some broad I’ve never seen, who was singing live from South Beach for some reason. And throughout the whole thing Rich Eisen kept popping up like a deranged game show host. Things must be pretty bleak at the NFL Network these days. I wouldn’t have hosted that show if I was forced to at gunpoint. My life isn’t worth that much to me.”

Millions of others are dealing with the after effects of the NBC kickoff show, including many who feel a sense of anger and resentment toward the NFL for failing to prevent it from happening.

“What I want to know is where was the NFL during all this,” said Richard Menkiewitz, a Miami Dolphins fan who saw the show at a bar in Fort Myers. “Where was the new commissioner, Roger Goodell, when the producers decided Pink, that shrieking harpy, should sing the theme song? He should be brought up on criminal charges, if you ask me. I just hope my kids never see this footage. I don’t want them to learn how bleak the postmodern condition is until they get older.”

On Monday morning, the league released a statement in regards to the pregame show laying the blame squarely on the shoulders of NBC officials.

“Our thoughts and prayers go out to the viewers and their families who had to witness NBC’s star studded extravaganza on Thursday,” the statement read. “While we understand the sadness and rage you must be feeling, please understand that we had nothing to do with it. It was all NBC’s idea to hire those gay-ass singers. Apparently they didn’t think they had enough 14-year-old girls watching the NFL. Now they have even less, because even 14-year-old girls are over P. Diddy by now.”

During the season NBC plans to air an abbreviated version of the kickoff special, featuring the new opening theme by Pink, before every Sunday night broadcast. Producer Fred Gaudelli believes that eventually, people will learn to love it.

“The new theme song is great and I think eventually it’s going to really grow on people,” he said. “It totally captures the feeling of anticipation before a night of football. I know when I hear it I get pumped up. Just thinking about it makes me pumped up. Woohoo! Let’s watch some football! See, it might seem strange that I could get excited by a football song sung by Pink, but try to remember that I'm a TV producer, which means I'm completely out of touch with what people want to watch on TV.”

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