Kobe Accuser Signs Deal With Reebok

LOS ANGELES--In response to Nike’s new ad campaign featuring controversial Lakers star Kobe Bryant, who was acquitted of rape charges last year, Reebok has signed Bryant’s accuser to an endorsement deal of her own. The move is a continuation of the decades-long war between the rival sneaker companies. It's also one of the few times Reebok has signed a non-athlete to an endorsement deal.

“This is a nice little signing for us,” said Rob Pirsig, marketing director for Reebok. “Now that Nike has decided to dust off Kobe Bryant and give him his own line of sneakers, we have to make a move as well. You can’t remain stagnant in this business. Now Nike has Kobe, and we have his accuser. Talk about a great rivalry. It’s like Larry and Magic all over again.”

Pirsig admitted that the signing was a direct response to Nike’s new Kobe Bryant-themed ad campaign.

“When we saw that, we were pretty intimidated,” Pirsig continued. “The ads have this whole ‘I just beat a rape charge so don’t mess with me’ attitude. We knew we had to counter that with something, but what? That’s when I got the idea. Let’s sign the girl who accused him of rape last year. She was the center of a media firestorm. She’s also got great name recognition, even though most people don’t technically know her name. We’re going to call her ‘The Accuser.’ That’s going to be the name of our new line of cross trainers as well. I really hope this will dispel the myth that Nike is the sleaziest shoe company out there.”

The ad campaign surrounding “The Accuser 2K5” will focus on the young accuser and her brave battle against one of the most powerful athletes on the planet. Print ads will appear in newspapers, magazines, and on billboards, and a series of television spots will hit the airwaves this week.

“We’ve got one ad that looks like one of those Japanese-style cartoons, and it shows the Accuser dunking a basketball right in Kobe Bryant’s face,” said Pirsig. “Then we’ve got this giant billboard going up in Times Square, and another one in downtown LA that’s just a close-up of her face, all beaded-up with sweat, glaring menacingly at the camera. Pretty powerful stuff, huh? If these things don’t sell like hot cakes, there’s something seriously wrong with our society.’

Reebok’s new ad campaign is being called tasteless by some in the industry, most notably executives from Nike, who are accusing their rival of exploiting a painful situation.

“They’ve got the Kobe accuser signed to an endorsement deal? Oh, that is shameless,” said Nike vice-president of marketing Jim Beeman. “Here’s a girl who may or may not have been raped, who has been through a tragic and trying ordeal, and they’re exploiting her image to sell sneakers? How do these people sleep at night? It’s like all they think about is profit. You know, when I first started in this business, compassion and human decency were placed above the almighty dollar. I remember those times well. We were all broke.”

Beeman then defended his own company’s use of Kobe Bryant in its latest series of advertisements. He pointed out that Bryant was never convicted of anything and that he deserves a chance to rehab his image.

“I don’t see what’s wrong with us pushing Kobe like we are,” Beeman continued. “After all, he was accused of rape, not convicted of it. He’s been through a lot. First he cheated on his wife. Then the girl he cheated with accused him of sexually assaulting her. Then he had to explain to his wife why he cheated in the first place. Then he had to go back and play basketball after all that. Man, this guy has overcome some serious adversity. How can you not admire him? He’s like the Lance Armstrong of accused rapists.”

Nike is predicting that their new Kobe Bryant sneaker will outsell “The Accuser” by millions of units.

“Oh, we’re going to crush those guys,” Beeman said. “The Accuser? Give me a break. Who’s going too buy a sneaker named after some chick who had sex with an NBA player? We’ve got the man himself here, Kobe Bryant. What guy wouldn’t want to walk around in a pair of shoes endorsed by someone of his stature, who commands the kind of respect that he does? Sure, he was accused of rape, but who among us hasn’t? If I had a dime for every woman who has accused me of rape, I’d have…well let’s see here…carry the one…I’d have…two dollars and twenty cents.”