ESPN Trade Machine Rejects Another Of Mitch Kupchak’s Ideas

LOS ANGELES--Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak expressed “profound disappointment’ today after the ESPN Trade Machine rejected another of his ideas on the basis of a salary mismatch. It was the fourth time this week that Kupchak had a trade proposal rejected, causing him to question his own abilities as a general manager.

“Goddamn it. Not again,” Kupchak said, as he stared at his computer screen in amazement. “Every time I try to complete a trade I get the same message: ‘This trade failed! Go back and start over!’ Then I start over and it fails again. What the hell? From what I hear, everybody and their mother is on this thing completing trade after trade after trade. And for some reason I can’t pull it off. So I guess that means no Kevin Garnett for us. Apparently Smush Parker makes a lot less than him.”

Kupchak’s previous idea, which he called “a slam dunk,” involved Garnett and Randy Foye joining the Lakers for Kwame Brown and Maurice Evans. Unfortunately, the salaries were off by over $10 million.

“That was a huge disappointment,” said Kupchak. “I really thought I had something there, but then the stupid, smug ESPN Trade Machine told me it wouldn’t work. So then I figured I’d up the ante and add a player to be named later, but the NBA doesn’t do players to be named later. So then I added Lamar Odom to the mix and it finally worked, which is nice, but…why in the hell are we paying Lamar Odom so much money?”

Kupchak discovered the ESPN Trade Machine, which calculates the feasibility of a trade based on NBA salary guidelines, last week while surfing the web. Since then, he has been working tirelessly to formulate “the perfect deal.”

“Some deals don’t work because of salary and some deals are just too insane to make,” said Kupchak. “Believe me, I was excited as hell when they approved my Kobe for Steve Francis deal, but after I thought about it for a while, I decided it was a little too lopsided. So bye bye to that trade. And then the whole Luke Walton for Amare Stoudamire thing went down the toilet because of some bullshit about Luke’s contract expiring. Goddamn it! That was a good one, too. That would have made me a legend.”

The Lakers are urgently trying to make some moves this offseason to lift the team out of the mediocrity that has plagued them since the departure of Shaquille O’Neal, who was traded to the Heat for Caron Butler, Brian Grant, and Odom. Butler was later paired with Chucky Atkins in a trade for Wizards center Kwame Brown, who has been a major disappointment.

Things got worse for Kupchak on Monday when Bryant began publicly lobbying for the return of former GM Jerry West.

“I would love to see Jerry come back here,” Bryant wrote on his website. “I think that would be awesome. He’s one of the greatest minds in basketball, and if he’s available I certainly hope we would make a move for him. No offense to Mitch, who is a wonderful guy and a really good GM. He could still have a job within the organization as like a vice-president of player development or something. Either that or he could retire, and secure his legacy as the weirdest GM in the history of the NBA. Seriously: Shammond Williams? Wtf?”

Bryant also reiterated that he was not demanding a trade and wished to spend the rest of his career with the Los Angeles Lakers.

“Of course I want to say here. This is home,” Bryant wrote. “It’s just that I’m hoping for a change at the top. Jerry West is the BEST general manager in the game and he can take us back to the top. I feel almost as strongly about this as I did about getting rid of Shaq, and you all know how that turned out: horrible. That’s why we need Jerry. Because I am one of several people in this organization incapable of making a decent decision.”

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