LOS ANGELES--The USC Trojans suffered a stunning loss to the Washington Huskies on Saturday, falling 16-13 on a late field goal by Erik Folk. The loss dropped them to 12th in the AP poll. Nevertheless, the Trojans are in high spirits, as they're still getting laid like crazy and should continue to do so regardless of the team’s ranking.

“Even with the big loss, it’s still business as usual as far as getting laid is concerned,” coach Pete Carroll said. “I think that’s really keeping the guys’ spirits up. To have that kind of continuity, that kind of stability, really helps us stay focused. Even if we lose to Washington State this week we’ll still get laid more than them. In fact, we could probably bang their girlfriends if we wanted to. Not that we would. Have you been to the Washington State campus lately? It's like a leper colony up there.”

Carroll feels that the ready availability of bitches, win or lose, helps keep the pressure of his players on Saturdays.

“Obviously it’s one less thing for them to have to worry about,” said Carroll. “If I was a player I wouldn’t want to walk around with the burden of having to win every game just to get laid. At some smaller schools it’s like that. Here it's different. As a result, the guys are very loose on Saturday – almost as loose as the girls.”

Quarterback Aaron Corp, starting in place of the injured Matt Barkley, threw a crucial interception in the third quarter, but was welcomed back to campus by the usual assortment of cheerleaders and co-eds looking to get in the sack with a guy who was just on national television.

“After the game I was pretty down on myself, but as soon as I got back to campus I started feeling better again,” said Corp. “The girls here - they love you unconditionally, like pets. Whether you throw a bad interception or miss a field goal or fumble away a touchdown or whatever, as long as they’ve seen your fat face on TV for a few hours, they welcome you with open arms. That’s why, even when I’m not starting, I try to stand in a prominent place on the sidelines.”

Many USC co-eds openly admit that they don’t even pay attention to the games.

“Personally I could care less if they win or lose or score enough runs or whatever,” said 20-year old sophomore Kristi Lovett. “They are celebrities and sleeping with any one of them is an honor and a privilege. Once I get out of college, I’ll find some normal nobody to marry, but I’ll always remember the one-night stand I had with the placekicker for the USC Trojans - especially when I get those cold sores on my lip.”

Of course, not all USC players are willing to bed every co-ed that crosses his path. Some, like freshman Matt Barkley, hold religious beliefs that forbid premarital sex. Coach Carroll warns those players to understand what they’re giving up.

“I just want those guys like Barkley to understand exactly what it is they’re rejecting,” said Carroll. “They will come to an age when they are out of college and old and ugly and wondering why in the hell they didn’t capitalize on their opportunities when they had them. To them I say: Sow your oats now, or else you're going to regret it once you grow out of that morality thing.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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