LOS ANGELES--It was over 20 years ago that the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers established themselves as the gold standard for the NBA and forged a rivalry that become one of the most bitter in all of sports. However, since the 90’s the Lakers have been the dominant team while the Celtics have floundered. With the rivalry all but dead, the Lakers have been formally declared the victor by the National Basketball Association.

Both teams agreed with the declaration.

“Yes, that sounds about right,” said Celtics GM Danny Ainge, a member of the Celtics championship teams of the 1980’s. “Right around the early 90’s both teams set off in wildly different directions. The Lakers won 3 more titles and the Celtics started a rebuilding project. A couple years later they started another. Then they hired me so I could start one. It’s too bad they didn’t have banners to commemorate rebuilding projects, because they are just as important as championships if you think about it. Just don’t think too hard.”

Ainge recalls the heyday of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry, when players on both teams thought that it would last forever.

“We enjoyed it. We enjoyed playing each other,” he said. “And yes, we felt like it would last forever. Why wouldn’t it? Both teams had the players, both teams had tons of money, there was history, everything. But nothing lasts forever, I guess. Larry Bird had to retire early because of his back and Magic went on to win another championship. I’d still rather be Larry, though. At least he doesn’t have The Magic Hour on his resume. That’s worth two, three championships right there.”

The Celtics were stunned in 1986 by the death of top draft pick Len Bias, who was expected to take the torch from Larry Bird and lead the team into the 90’s. In 1997, 5 years after Bird retired, the franchise suffered another blow on draft day when they lost out on Tim Duncan, despite being the odds-on favorite to have the top pick. Since then, the Celtics have been unable to build a championship team.

By contrast, the Lakers made a seamless transition after Magic retired with the acquisitions of both Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal, a one-two punch that would win them 3 straight championships from 2000-2002. Even now, the Lakers are competing in the NBA playoffs while the Celtics are coming off yet another rebuilding year.

“It’s a real honor to be declared the winner of one of the greatest rivalries in the history of sports,” said Lakers owner Jerry Buss. “I have so many fond memories of playing the Celtics in the Boston Garden or the Forum with the fans going crazy and this electricity in the air. I miss those days. Now we play in the Staples Center and they play in the TD Waterhouse Banksouth Arena or whatever the hell it’s called. But hey, they need that fancy new arena. It’s the only way to remain financially competitive other than assembling a winning team.”

The Lakers faced some problems of their own when Phil Jackson retired and Shaq was traded to the Miami Heat. However, they lured Jackson out of retirement and are once again contending for a championship.

“It just seems like whatever happens we come out smelling like roses,” said Bryant, who sunk a game winning shot Sunday night to give the Lakers a 3-1 series lead against heavily favored Phoenix. “While the Celtics are constantly blowing things up and rebuilding, the Lakers are always a move or two away from contending. I wouldn't get too discouraged if I was the Celtics, though. These things tend to be cyclical. It's just that the cycle is sometimes excruciatingly slow. ”

The Celtics are currently attempting to build a championship team with a talented group of youngsters and veterans like Paul Pierce and Wally Szczerbiak. The team showed some promise at the end of the year and Ainge insists that the future is bright for this once proud franchise.

“Things are starting to look up around here,” Ainge said. “It’s taken a while but I think we finally have a core group here that we can win with. It hasn’t been easy for this franchise the past 20 years or so. We’ve gotten every bad break in the book, while the Lakers have gotten every good break. They stopped being our rivals a long time ago. We don’t even think about them anymore. Our chief rivals now are the Nets, Pacers, and our own incompetence.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.