Lance Armstrong Sells Uranium To Iran Just To Piss Off France

AUSTIN, TX-- Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong, eager to piss off French authorities, sold a large quantity of uranium to Iran yesterday. The uranium will probably be used to build a nuclear weapon, ensuring Armstrong gets the last laugh in his ongoing feud with France.

“Yep, I think I finally stuck it to those snotty bastards,” said a satisfied Armstrong from his home in Texas. “You want to accuse me of doing steroids? You want to tarnish my reputation? Fine, then I’m selling highly enriched uranium to the country that you’re tying to prevent from having nuclear weapons. Good luck with those negotiations, suckers!”

Armstrong and the French have had a rocky relationship for years. His seven Tour de France victories have been tainted by the French media’s repeated allegations that he used performance enhancing drugs. Now Armstrong is striking back.

“I can’t tell you how much damage the French media has done to my career,” Armstrong said. “There are people out there who truly believe that I do steroids, just because of some stories they read in the French tabloids. I thought long and hard about the best way to get back at them. That’s when it hit me: Since they’re in these negotiations with Iran trying to stop them from building nukes, wouldn’t it be funny if I threw a wrench into the whole thing? Don’t worry, though. The Iranians have assured me they will use that highly enriched uranium for peaceful purposes only.”

French officials were outraged when they heard the news of Armstrong’s dealings with Iran. The nuclear talks have been completely derailed and the matter will probably have to be referred to the UN security council. President Jacques Chirac called Armstrong’s actions were “totally irresponsible.”

“This is an outrageous and irresponsible act that has derailed nuclear talks and threatened global stability,” Chirac said. “Mr. Armstrong has gone too far in his personal war against our nation. Now, we must change course and focus on preventing the Iranians from using that uranium in a nuclear bomb. I don’t know how we’re going to do that. The only thing we can do is beg. If they say no, oh well, I guess we’ll all be dead soon.”

USA Cycling said that Armstrong’s latest move would not affect his eligibility to race in next year’s Tour de France. However, Tour chief Jean-Marie LeBlanc disagreed. In a press conference held yesterday, he said Armstrong would never race in his country again.

“This man is a nuclear arms dealer,” said LeBlanc, who has long suspected Armstrong of using steroids. “He gave one of the most dangerous regimes in the world a canister of highly enriched uranium. That stuff is deadly. Moreover, he is a steroid user. His urine samples from 1999 tested positive, remember? He will never race in our country again. He is an enemy of the state, an ally of extremists, a nuclear arms dealer, and worst of all, he may have once used steroids. I spit on him.”

It is not yet known if Armstrong will be punished for his dealings with Iran. France has suggested the US take its own action in punishing the cyclist, but so far the White House has refused to comment on the matter.

In the meantime, the International Atomic Energy Agency is wondering where exactly Armstrong got the uranium.

“Enriched uranium is not something you buy at the corner store,” said Mohamed El Baradei, head of the IAEA. “It would be nice if Mr. Armstrong could tell us where he acquired this dangerous substance so we can assure that no more of it falls into the wrong hands. If the Iranians build a nuclear weapon, God help us all. This is a crisis of epic proportions. I guess the only bright spot is that Armstrong finally stuck it to the French. I must admit, even as the head of the IAEA, the expression on Jacque Chirac’s face when he found out was priceless.”