ANN ARBOR, MI--Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez, who has been accused by several players of violating NCAA rules regarding practice time and workout schedules, ordered each whistleblower to do 10 extra laps after practice on Monday. He then chided the players for whining and trying to “sabotage the program.”

“We cannot have people on this team undermining my authority and trying to sabotage the program,” Rodriguez told his team. “You want to whine? You want to complain? Take a lap. You think we practice too much? You can stay late and miss dinner. Oh, I’m sorry. Am I keeping you from your academic studies? Please. Most of you morons would rather do wind sprints all night than take out a textbook for five minutes. You should be thanking me.”

Rodriguez then lauded the players who have “stuck with the program” and gave them a little reward for their perseverance.

“The rest of you guys, the guys who have stuck with the program without complaining, can go home for the night – right after our intra-squad scrimmage and post-scrimmage film session,” he said. “Come on! It’s our time! Wolverines! Let’s hear it! Okay, I can see you’re too tired to speak. Just try to crawl out onto the field so we can start the scrimmage.”

Though the allegations were reported anonymously, Rodriguez was able to get the names of the whistleblowers by convincing their teammates to rat them out. The players were reluctant to do so at first, but acquiesced when Rodriguez subjected them to a prolonged campaign of physical abuse.

Said one player: “He just told the whole team to start running in place and wouldn’t let us stop until we blurted out the names. He said we would run all night if we had to, and into the next day, and he didn’t care if anyone dropped dead in the process. We were scared, but we showed some resolve. I personally managed to hold out for ten seconds in support of my teammates.”

Rodriguez still maintains he has not violated any NCAA rules.

“I know the rules and I abide by them,” he told reporters. “ Anything we do that is ‘extra’ is strictly on a voluntary basis. Players who don’t want to participate can quit the team in shame and go back to being a regular nobody who has to take his own tests and write his own papers, while the rest of us go forward with the business of being the second best Division I football team in the state of Michigan.”

Michigan athletic director Bill Martin said the school is taking the allegations seriously as has launched a full scale investigation into the matter.

“These allegations are very serious,” said Martin. “We are launching a full scale investigation to determine if coach Rodriguez violated any NCAA rules. We don’t believe he did, however, but you never know. There’s still a chance we could uncover some wrongdoing and finally be able to cut ties with this weirdo dipshit.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.