CHICAGO--In anticipation of the arrival of Ricky Manning Jr., the Chicago Bears organization is asking its employees to hide their laptop computers in order to avoid any “ugly confrontations” with Manning, who hates laptops. The Bears believe that as long as the devices are kept out of sight, everything should be fine.

“What he doesn’t know can’t piss him off,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo, who signed Manning to a 4-year $21 million deal recently. “We just want to avoid any incidents like the one they had at Denny’s the other night, when Ricky beat up that guy for using a laptop. I can understand his frustration with laptops. You don’t want to see them when you’re eating ham and eggs, that’s for sure. However, Ricky was out of line when he beat the man into unconsciousness.”

Angelo was referring to a fight that Manning was involved in Sunday night at a Denny’s restaurant in West Hollywood. According to witnesses, Manning and five of his friends started teasing a patron for using a laptop, saying he looked like a “nerd” and a “geek.” They continued teasing him and then physically assaulted him, with Manning allegedly delivering the blow that knocked him out.

“It’s a pretty clear indicator how Ricky feels about laptops and people who use them,” Angelo said. “I can’t imagine what would happen if he walked into one of our offices at Soldier’s Field. He would probably go nuts and break all our computers over our heads. It would serve us right for being such geeks, though. I mean, we are kind of asking for it.”

Manning is facing charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon – his fist – and could be subjected to jail time. He did assure the team that he would cooperate fully with the police, a fact that makes the Bears rest a little easier.

“Oh, he’s going to cooperate with the police? Well isn’t that nice,” said Angelo. “That really sets my mind at ease. What the hell else was he going to do, bleach his hair and flee to Mexico? Of course he’s going to cooperate. They have security video of the whole thing anyway. Apparently they really did a number on that poor nerd. Maybe next time he’ll think twice about sitting quietly and minding his own business.”

The Carolina Panthers, Manning’s old team, had an opportunity to match the Bears offer but turned it down last night. At least publicly the team insisted that the arrest had nothing to do with the decision.

“This was a football decision,” said GM Marty Hurney. “It had nothing to do with the fight that allegedly took place at Denny’s. We just couldn’t match that offer. $21 million? For Ricky Manning? Well I guess that’s a good deal if you want a mediocre cornerback who hates nerds and is probably going to jail. The only thing working in the Bears favor now is that NFL contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.”

During his time with the Panthers, Manning never revealed his intense hatred of laptops, Hurney said. But he did have a short temper and a history of violence.

“That laptop thing must be new or else he was hiding it pretty good while he was with us,” said Hurney. “But he was always a real violent guy. In fact a few years ago he got into a fight at a different restaurant in West Hollywood. Pretty big coincidence, huh? Actually it’s not that big a coincidence when you consider that Ricky likes to hang around restaurants in West Hollywood and he's crazy.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.