Larry Bowa Brought In To Give Listless Phillies Pep Talk

PHILADELPHIA --The last place Philadelphia Phillies have looked as listless and unmotivated as any team in baseball during the early part of the 2005 season. Though loaded with talent, the team can’t seem to get over the hump and meet the high expectations that were set in the offseason. Desperate for a spark, manager Charlie Manuel brought in the fiery Larry Bowa to give the team a motivational pep talk.

“Larry has a long history with the Philadelphia Phillies organization,” said Manuel “He also has the reputation as a fiery competitor who knows how to light a fire under people. Me, I’m a laid back guy. What this team needs is a jolt and we asked Larry to come in here and provide that for us. Tough, hard-nosed guys like him are hard to find.”

Bowa was fired by the Phillies last year after his intense personality began to weigh on his players. The common belief was that the team became bogged down by his energetic, over-the-top style. GM Ed Wade hired Manuel because he felt his laid back approach would take some pressure off the team and help them fulfill their potential. Unfortunately that has not been the case. The team still stinks and is in dire need of a jolt.

“Larry is so fierce. I always thought he’d make a great motivational speaker,” said Wade. “So it made perfect sense to have him come in and address the troops. I think it’ll be just what the doctor ordered. Obviously Charlie’s style isn’t right for this team. I think the guys are bored with his hands-off, low key attitude. That’s not Phillies baseball. We need someone with some balls. Come on! Take it to the next level!”

Wade rejected the notion that the players were at fault and not the manager.

“Oh yes I’ve heard that argument before. It’s total bullshit,” he said. “We have some of the best players in baseball on this team. If they don’t produce it’s the manager’s fault. Clearly this is Charlie’s fault. Though I guess when you think about it, I did hire the guy and I did hire Larry, so its actually my fault. That’s why you shouldn’t think about it.”

Bowa agreed to address the team and arrived in the clubhouse after last Saturday’s 7-0 loss to the Baltimore Orioles. He went off on one of his trademark tirades, much to the delight of the Phillies players.

“You guys suck! Every time I turn on the TV you’re getting spanked around by some shithead squad that shouldn’t even be able to carry your jockstraps!” screamed Bowa, as the players sat in rapt attention. “You swing at bad pitches, make crucial errors, blow leads, and screw up on the base paths. Is that how I taught you to play? What kind of bullshit is that? And you, Manuel, get off your elderly ass and start managing this damn team. They didn’t hire you to sit there and eat sunflower seeds. And straighten that hat out, you frumpy bastard.”

Bowa went on to call the team “pussies” and “women” and threatened to knee them all in the testicles if they didn’t “get their heads out of their lily-white asses.” The next day, the team went out and defeated the Orioles 7-2. Several players credited Bowa’s pep talk for their improved performance.

“Yes! That was just what the doctor ordered,” said shortstop Jimmy Rollins. “I’m telling you, Charlie’s laid back approach is absolutely killing this team. It’s hard to work under these conditions. We need someone who is going to push us, to drive us, not sit there and scratch his head while we screw everything up. Now Larry Bowa is a guy who should be managing a major league baseball team. Why did we fire him again? Oh yea it’s because we eventually got sick of his style. Actually, I’m starting to get sick of it again. I’ve had enough. He’s too over-the-top for me.”

Jim Thome, who is hitting a paltry .195 this season, also welcomed Bowa’s style. He called it a “breath of fresh air” and hoped it would send the team on a long winning streak.

“Sometimes when you’re down and out you need someone to step up and shake things up a little,” said Thome. “It was a stroke of genius to have Larry come in here and speak to us. He’s the kind of guy that players really respond to. Charlie, on the other hand, is a great manager, but he doesn’t exactly inspire you to go out there and kick ass. In fact, I’ll go a step further and say we need a managerial change. We’ll find the right match eventually. In the meantime I’ll just go home and roll around in thousand dollar bills.”