KANSAS CITY, MO--The Royals have started the season 2-10 and appear to be on their way to a last place finish in the American League Central, but they aren’t carrying on like a bunch of rookies about it. Instead, the dignified, veteran team is acting like they’ve been there before, because they have been there before, pretty much every year for the past decade.

“Yea, we’re 2-10. Big deal. We’re not acting like a bunch of amateurs out there,” said first basemen Mike Sweeney, in his 11th year with the team. “I always say to the younger players ‘Act like you’ve been there before.’ You do your job, you do it with class, then you go home and silently weep. That’s how we do things here in Kansas City. If you don't like it, leave, just like every other decent player who's ever worn this uniform. ”

Since 1994 the Royals have had only one winning season. When it comes to being shitty, they’re old pros. Even the younger players have a jaded, detached attitude about their situation.

“Everyone on this team knows what’s expected of us,” said second-year 3rd baseman Mark Teahan. “We’re not going to act all bush league just because we’re so horrible. It’s no big deal. This team sucked before I got here and will suck long after I’m gone, which, by the way, is 2 years, 8 months, and 28 days from now. Thank you, Curt Flood.”

This offseason the Royals went out and acquired veterans Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Reggie Jefferson in an effort to pretend that they’re trying to build a contender. They also acquired pitcher Scott Elarton, who once played for the Cleveland Indians, a legitimate Major League Baseball team. So far the changes have had little effect, which is not surprising to anyone in the organization.

“2-10? 2-11? 2-50? Nothing would surprise me at this point,” said GM Allard Baird. “We go through the same thing every year. Sure I went out and picked up a few free agents this year, but that’s only because I’m the general manager and it’s my job to make those kinds of transactions. Next year we’ll pick up a couple more, provided there are some marginal players available. We don’t want anybody too good. They just wouldn’t mesh in the clubhouse.”

Some of the newcomers have already grown tired of the team’s nonchalant attitude towards losing. Outfielder Reggie Sanders, who came from the St Louis Cardinals, believes that attitude is the main reason for the Royals constant failure.

“Acting like you’ve been there before is all well and good if you’re winning,” said Sanders. “But if you’re losing it helps to act a little pissed off. You know, take a bat to the Gatorade bucket or scream at an umpire or something. The way this group acts it’s like they expect to lose. Even the fans seem to be in on it, though I have to admit I like them better than those clingy St Louis fans. Jesus, I couldn’t even leave my house without getting mobbed. And I wasn’t even that good.”

Manager Buddy Bell was hired in May of last season and guided the team to 43-69 record the rest of the way. This year, Bell announced that losing would be “unacceptable.” Now, however, he seems as resigned as his players to losing constantly.

“I’m not quite as optimistic as I was last year when I took over,” said Bell. “Back then I was Mr. Enthusiasm. I even read The Winner Within by Pat Riley and posted little snippets from it all around the locker room. This year I’ve switched to Nietzsche. It’s a little more appropriate. In fact, our team motto this year is ‘God is dead.’ They even put it in the media guide. Hey, when you’ve been with this team a while you do start to feel that way. And I’m willing to bet God feels the same way about us.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.