Laugh Track To Be Added To Remaining San Diego Chargers Broadcasts

SAN DIEGO--The hapless San Diego Chargers are the laughingstock of the NFL. The 2003 edition has been so inept they've replaced the Cincinnati Bengals as the league's whipping boys. But at least the Bolts will have something to distinguish themselves from the rest of the league in the remaining few weeks of the season. Starting Sunday, all San Diego Chargers games will be broadcast with a laugh track.

“A lot of people are wondering exactly why we would agree to add a laugh track to our own team’s broadcasts,” said Chargers owner Alex Spanos. “Well, have you seen them play? Holy shit, it’s hilarious. This team is funnier than any sitcom on today. The only thing missing is canned laughter.”

Coming into this season, the Chargers were expected to compete with the Kansas City Chiefs for the AFC West title. However, things have gone terribly wrong. After releasing defensive veterans Junior Seau and Rodney Harrison because of salary cap restrictions, the team’s defense suffered a dramatic drop-off. Needless to say, the games haven’t been pretty. If any team is a candidate for a laugh track, it’s the San Diego Chargers.

“This is a good way for us to make the broadcasts more entertaining,” said Gregg Olney, vice-president of Media Relations for the Chargers. “If there’s one thing that’s really annoying, it’s a comedy without a laugh track. That just bugs me. I think that’s one of the reasons why Chargers games are so hard to watch - no laugh track. Well now that problem has been alleviated.”

As an example, Olney showed a tape of last Sunday’s game vs. the Cincinnati Bengals, augmented to include the laugh track. One play showed Bengals running back Rudi Johnson slicing through the Chargers defensive line and secondary while barely being touched. Defensive back Sammy Davis bit on a juke and ended up flat on his back while Johnson trotted into the end zone. As soon as Davis hit the deck, the laugh track was cued.

“Ha ha ha ha. Wow, was that funny,” said Olney. “Without the laugh track, it’s kind of sad, but with that canned laughter produced right on cue, its hilarious.”

The move is being greeted enthusiastically by the television networks. Fox and CBS, the two main football-carrying networks, have reported a serious decline in ratings for Chargers games this season and welcome the new features.

Said CBS Sports Producer Gerry McAulife: “Anytime a show has lagging ratings, you have to do things to retool it – to make it a more attractive package for the viewing public. Since nobody in their right mind is going to watch a Chargers game to see good quality football, we have to give them some other incentive. Now we’ve made Chargers games a sitcom, complete with a laugh track. People love sitcoms. They also love seeing real people humiliated and injured, so we know they’ll tune in.”

It seems the only people who aren’t laughing are the players themselves. Several members of the team have expressed their outrage over the proposed changes.

“I don’t see what’s so funny about the way we’re losing,” said veteran defensive end Marcellus Wiley. “We’re getting our asses kicked all over the field. We can’t run, pass, catch or defend. We’re like the goddamn Three Stooges out there.”

“But I guess I could see how that would be funny if I wasn’t on the team,” he continued. “Actually, the other day in practice Drew Brees threw this pass that sailed so far over David Boston’s head that it actually landed in the bleachers. Even I had to laugh a little at that. I suppose a well placed laugh track right at that moment would’ve worked.”

Coach Marty Schottenheimer said his team will just have to live with the laugh track until it learns to play the game properly.

“Maybe it will be good for us,” said Schottenheimer after practice yesterday. “Maybe this’ll light a fire under them, although I seriously doubt it. These guys are so bad my coaching staff and I almost died laughing the other day during practice. In fact, if you count all the coaches, we already do have a laugh track. Oh, that reminds me. I heard a great joke the other day. Why don’t the Chargers have a website? Don’t know? Because they can’t string together three W’s in a row! Oh, God that one gets me every time. Ha ha ha ha ha…. Ahem. Anyway, losing is no laughing matter.”