DENVER--With receiver Ashley Lelie holding out of minicamp in an effort to force a trade, the Denver Broncos are looking for a receiver to replace him. They're not looking for an All-Pro or future Hall of Famer, just somebody with blazing speed and cement hands that can run decoy routes for Rod Smith.

“We definitely need another warm body in there to take Ashley’s place,” coach Mike Shanahan told a group of reporters yesterday. “Obviously it doesn’t have to be a top tier receiver because Ashley’s not a top tier receiver. Cement hands? No problem. Ashley had cement hands and we really liked him. Luckily nobody else in the league likes him, so he’ll probably be back here for training camp running like a gazelle and being hit in the back of the head with passes. He’ll have a shot at the starting job, though. He just won’t get it.”

Lelie’s decision to skip minicamp was the result of frustration over his role with the team. He wanted to be the number one receiver, but the team’s offseason courtship of Terrell Owens and subsequent signing of Javon Walker indicated that they had other plans. Now Lelie wants to be traded to a team where he can be at the top of the depth chart.

“I want to be a starting receiver. I want to be the top guy,” Lelie said in an interview with CBS4 Denver. “I have all the tools: I’m quick, I run great routes, and despite what everyone says, I have great hands. I’m one of the best in football and they should send me somewhere I can prove it. And no, I don’t want to compete for the top spot here in Denver. I want it handed to me before I even put on shoulder pads. Is that too much to ask?”

Lelie said he was “shocked and angered” when the Broncos began courting other receivers after last year.

“It was a slap in my face when they went after those other guys,” said Lelie. “Any player in my position would be doing the same thing- except for Rod Smith, of course. He’s such a goody-goody. All he cares about is the team. Well of course that’s all he cares about. He’s the number one receiver. But how can you care as a number two or three? It’s like you’re not even on the team. You might as well be the wide receivers coach. No offense to our wide receivers coach, of course, whoever he is.”

Rod Smith is indeed excited about the Broncos chances this season. However, he would be more excited if his friend, Ashley Lelie, would return to camp and join the team. Smith has been a mentor to Lelie since he came into the league in 2002.

“It’s disappointing to see Ashley holding out like this,” said Smith, entering his 11th year in the NFL. “He’s sabotaging his future with that behavior. Ashley, if you’re listening, please come back to camp. Come here and continue being a dependable backup and continue cashing your checks and be happy. You can even compete for the starting job. Of course, if you get it, I will leave this stinking team in protest and never come back.”

One candidate to take Lelie’s place on the depth chart is receiver Darius Watts, a 2004 draft pick who has impressed coach Shanahan in workouts so far. Watts sees Lelie’s departure as an opportunity to make his own mark on the team.

“If Ashley doesn’t come back, that’s fine,” said Watts, a former second round pick. “I just appreciate the opportunity to show this coaching staff what I can do. All I really want is to help this team attain it’s goal of winning a Super Bowl. I don’t need to be a number one guy. Not this year anyway. See, unlike Ashley, I’m going to use this year to build my case to be a top receiver by having a great year. It’s called ‘leverage.’ Next year I can rake these fuckers over the coals.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.