BATON ROUGE-- Les Miles told reporters on Saturday that he was happy to be the head coach of the LSU Tigers and had no intention of joining his alma mater, the University of Michigan. He then told his players he loved them and looked forward to coaching them next season. He then snuck away into the bathroom, hid in a stall, and wept silently for hours over his missed opportunity.

“Oh God. Why?” he whimpered. “Why did this have to happen to me? I had a chance to follow my dreams and become the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines. I could’ve been the next Bo Schembechler. And then…everything went wrong. It all fell apart. And now I’m stuck here at this nothing little shithole for another year. The only thing I have going for me is these contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.”

Miles and Michigan discussed the parameters of a contract for weeks, but just couldn’t seal the deal. When it fell through, Miles agreed to stay with LSU and now must walk around pondering what might have been.

“It’s hard to believe I was that close to my dream job and it fell through,” Miles said. “And now I’ve got to coach that stupid national title game. Us against Ohio State? I’d rather stare at a blank screen than watch that on TV. It should be Michigan-Ohio State, and I should be the coach of Michigan. Actually if we do well, Michigan might take notice. So I guess I have a little extra motivation going into this one.”

Miles received several congratulatory phone calls after announcing he was staying, during which he was forced to hold back his tears and pretend to be happy on the darkest day of his life.

“I’m so sick of all these people calling me and saying congratulations,” Miles said. “And all I can do is grit my teeth and pretend to be happy. What’s worse, these people think I stayed here out of loyalty. Loyalty? I would have burned this school to the ground for the chance to coach at Michigan. But I suppose it’s good to pretend to be loyal because it shows me in a better light. Which reminds me: why am I telling you all this and what are you doing in my bathroom stall?”

LSU athletic director Skip Bertman said Miles’ decision to stay was a testament to how much the coach loves the school and its football program. He also took a subtle jab at former coach Nick Saban, who left LSU for the NFL after leading his team to the national title.

“Obviously some coaches are more loyal than others,” Bertman said. “Coach Miles had a chance to take his dream job and he turned it down to stay here. I can think of some other coaches we’ve had that left here the first chance that they got. Les, on the other hand, is fiercely loyal. The only time he ever even considered leaving is when another team expressed interest in him.”

For the University of Michigan, the coaching search goes on. With Miles off the radar, they will look further down their list of candidates and settle for second best – for now.

“Unfortunately we weren’t able to make a deal with Les,” said athletic director Bill Martin. “We got permission to speak with him after the SEC title game and we were interested in making him an offer, but then everything got screwed up. I do still think there is a mutual interest, however, and I have a strange feeling that Les Miles and the Wolverines will be brought together at some point in the future. How do I know this? Because Les told me. And if you can’t trust a college football coach, who can you trust?”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.