NEW YORK--Former Tour de France winner Greg LeMond said recently that he testified in a trial involving Lance Armstrong only because Armstrong threatened him, according to the magazine L'Equipe Dimanche. That surprising allegation follows another made earlier this month by an acquaintance of Armstrong, who testified that the Texan admitted to using performance enhancing drugs in 1996. Prior to that, Dick Pound, head of the World Doping Agency, said he believed Armstrong used illegal drugs.

The flurry of allegations has a raised an important question: Why are all these people making up lies about Lance Armstrong?

“Hmmm….beats the hell out of me,” said Armstrong’s lawyer, Mark Nichols. “I just can’t understand what these people have against my client. Perhaps it’s some kind of conspiracy that all of these parties are embarking on to ruin Lance’s career. It’s obvious why they would want to do that: Because Lance is super awesome, and they’re all jealous.”

Nichols then questioned why Betsy Andreu, wife of Armstrong’s former teammate Frankie Andreau, would say that she witnessed Armstrong admitting to a doctor that he used steroids.

“The only thing I can think of is that they’re part of this conspiracy as well,” Nichols said. “Remember, the doctor in this case swore under oath that Armstrong admitted to nothing, which means that Lance did absolutely nothing or that Lance threatened the doctor or that the doctor was in cahoots with Lance. But that’s just some crazy conspiracy theory anyway.”

According to the LA Times, LeMond also recorded a conversation between himself and another witness who told him that Andreu’s account was true. The woman, Stephanie McIlvain, had previously denied Andreu’s account. When reached for comment, McIlvain refused to speak to reporters.

“That is not a reliable story,” Nichols continued. “The LA Times is obviously out to get Lance and so is LeMond. And this McIlvain woman, she’s just not credible. Actually she was credible when she said nothing happened, but when she recanted that during that taped conversation she was totally unreliable - if that conversation ever happened. Which it didn’t. So that brings our list of liars up to 1) LeMond, 2) the LA Times, 3) Betsy Andreu, 4) Frankie Andreu, 5) L’Equipe Dimanche, 6) Stephanie McIlvain, sort of, and 7) a whole bunch of foreign journalists and the head of WADA. Unbelievable. Who knew there were this many liars in the world?”

Armstrong’s supporters point out that he has never failed a drug test, even though he is one of the most tested athletes in the world.

“If Lance was guilty, wouldn’t he have failed a drug test at some point?” said Armstrong’s longtime friend, Dan Orstow. “He passed every one of them with flying colors. Yet he is still subjected to these idiotic rumors. When will it end? Probably never. Because the French have always been jealous that an American won so many Tour de Frances. I don’t have any comment about those non-French people who said he was guilty.”

The pack of liars trying to bring down Lance Armstrong has grown larger and louder with each passing year. It remains to be seen if they will ever be silenced, but Armstrong himself said he is willing to fight the allegations to the death.

“It’s nothing I’m not used to,” Armstrong said today on Good Morning America. “People have been jealous of me since Day 1. I’ve won every fight, I’ve passed every test, and I’ve been vindicated time and time again. The only thing I can do is keep fighting the good fight. I sleep well every night because I know I’ve done no wrong, and because I have the fluffiest pillows money can buy, which is just one more reason for those bastards to be jealous of me.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.