Little Leaguer’s Life Peaks At Age 12

WILLIAMSPORT, PA--When 12-year-old Michael Mimea hit a walk-off home run to win the Little League World Series, he felt like a real life superhero. His teammates mobbed him, fans cheered wildly, and reporters waited breathlessly to hear him speak. Mimea experienced a feeling of exultation that few of us will ever know and that he will never know again, because at the age of 12, his life has already reached its apex.

“Woohooo! Yay for me! I’m a hero!” screamed Mimea as he was greeted at home plate like a conquering hero. “I’m special! Everybody loves me! Everybody knows who I am! I’m going to change the world!”

It never occurred to Mimea that his success would be fleeting and he would spend the rest of his life treading water in a sea of mediocrity, trying in vain to recapture the joy and ecstasy of hitting a game-winning home run on national television. In fact, he’s naive enough to believe that someday he’ll be a major league ballplayer.

“When I grow up I’m going to be in the big leagues,” Mimea said to ESPN’s Harold Reynolds, ignoring the fact that only a tiny, negligible amount of Little League World Series participants ever make it to the big leagues. “I’m going to be just like my favorite player, Albert Pujols, only better. I’m going to better than him! I am the king of the world! Nothing will ever change!”

Hawaii’s manager, Layton Aliviado, watched from afar as his team celebrated. He marveled at their jubilation, but acknowledged that such experiences were once in a lifetime.

“Enjoy it now, kids,” Aliviado said to no one in particular. “Yes, you are all heroes today. You are all very special people. You’re probably expecting to be here next year, too, and to go on to a life of triumph and greatness. Some of you may, but I doubt it. It is more likely that you will experience all the crushing pain, fear, and anxiety that defines modern life, only your pain will be more acute because you have already been to the top of the mountain. On the upside you live in Hawaii, which has some really nice beaches.”

Aliviado believes the constant, fawning media attention gives the kids an inflated sense of self-worth. As a result, they will have a difficult time accepting the fact that they are unremarkable people whose lives have reached a thrilling, yet temporary, pinnacle.

“It’s all downhill from here. I think that’s what I’m trying to say,” said Aliviado. “It’s nice to see the kids are happy but at the same time I pity them. Look how stupid they are. They think they are important. They think ESPN cares about them. Ha. They are a commodity, a product, used to sell advertising. Let’s see where ESPN is 20 years from now when they are grown-ups, sitting in their cubicles waiting for the day to be over. Actually, they’ll probably be right there, filming a segment on the depressing lives of ex-little leaguers for Outside the Lines.”

Psychologists say that it’s not only the children who have delusions of grandeur, but the parents, too. Many of them wrongly believe that their kids are special, simply because they were lucky enough to appear in the Little League World Series.

“I think sometimes the parents get it even worse than the kids,” said Dr. Dale Schumann, a child psychologist who has long been a critic of a nationally televised Little League World Series. “The way they carry on is pathetic. Some of the moms actually wear t-shirts with pictures of their kids’ faces on them. Are they groupies or parents? I’m sure Mimea’s parents are ready to declare him the greatest little boy on Earth, but let’s be honest here: Sure the kid can play, but did you see that pitch he hit for the home run? Fastball with nothing on it, straight down the middle of the plate. A retard could’ve taken that thing deep.”

Schumann called on ESPN and other media outlets to curb the coverage of the LLWS and stop making superstars out of children.

“Look, the world series should just be a fun little thing for the kids to enjoy and then move on with their lives,” he said. “It’s really not that big of a deal. These TV networks make it out to be the Olympics. Oh sure, they stress that it’s all about fun, but they contradict that when they make it into a multi-million dollar extravaganza, don’t they? What I’m trying to say is that children are annoying, especially happy ones, and we should keep them off TV. I know that sounds a little strange coming from a child psychologist, but trust me on this one. I’m a professional.”