Chain-Smoking, Alcoholic Little League Coach Not So Funny In Real Life

BARRON, WI--Larry Mueller is not your typical little league coach. The 42-year-old unemployed construction worker drinks, smokes, and curses, often right in front of the children. Parents often compare his behavior to the lovable curmudgeon portrayed by Billy Bob Thornton in The Bad news Bears. Unfortunately, those parents learned that a chain-smoking, alcoholic little league coach is not so funny in real life.

“Jesus, that guy is an asshole,” said Sandy Tucker, whose son, Taylor, is a pitcher on Mueller’s team. “He swears right in front of the kids. Plus, he’s constantly drinking and smoking. I thought it was funny in that ‘Bad News Bears’ movie, but in real life it’s not funny at all. It’s just wrong. In fact, I’m starting to regret sleeping with the guy.”

Tucker was especially irritated when Mueller arrived at a game last week heavily intoxicated and barely able to stand up. He spent the first three innings yelling at the children and the last three innings sleeping on the bench. Afterward, the parents had a word with him.

“That was the last straw,” Tucker said. “We all cornered him afterwards and told him to straighten up his act or we’d get him fired. He just laughed in our faces and took another sip of his whiskey. Then, as he was walking away, he threw the empty bottle at my son. It hit him right in the head. Talk about unfunny. I’ll never look at alcoholism the same way again.”

Mueller was named coach of Hal’s Bait Shop earlier this year as part of his community service for his drunk driving conviction. He accepted the position as an alternative to a 60-day jail sentence. Weeks later Mueller doesn’t regret a thing.

“This was a really great gig for me,” said Mueller, between coughs. “Really. It was either go to jail for a couple months or come here and scream at a bunch of kids. I get to drink, I get to smoke, I get to boss the little bastards around, and I get to drink. Oh, did I already mention that? Sorry, I tend repeat myself when I’m drunk. But you know what the best part about this job is? I get to drink.”

“I don’t know why these parents get so irritated with me,” he continued. “Haven’t they ever seen ‘Bad News Bears?’ I’m a lovable old oaf, just like Walter Matthau or Billy Bob Thornton. I’m not politically correct, I’m a little rough around the edges, but underneath it all I’ve got a heart of gold. The only difference between me and coach Morris Buttermaker is that I’m a real person and he’s not. Also, I’ve got herpes.”

Unlike the movie, Mueller’s players are actually getting worse as the season wears on. At the rate they’re going, they will finish in last place with a grand total of zero victories. The children place the blame squarely on the shoulders of their coach.

“We suck,” said 10-year-old Danny Gorseman. “At the beginning of the season we thought we might be pretty good, but then Mueller took over and we lost all hope. The guy doesn’t even know half our names. Jesus, some days he doesn’t even know his own goddamn name. He’s a fucking idiot. What’s worse, his language is rubbing off on us.”

As the season grinds on, Mueller’s behavior is getting worse. In recent weeks he has been thrown out of three games for being intoxicated and has also been disciplined for offering cigarettes to the children. The situation is so dire that some parents are pulling their kids off the team.

“I’ve had it with that guy,” said Phil Tambor, who’s son, Greg, was viciously berated by Mueller for being overweight. “He’s a complete asshole. He’s a drunken misfit--a real one, too. He’s not one of those funny ones you see on TV, like Ted Kennedy.”

Fortunately, the end is in site for the beleaguered children as the season wraps up next month. Mueller, however, is going to miss his old job and may return for another stint.

“I’m going to miss these little rascals,” he said. “When I first got here I thought I was really going to hate it, but eventually the kids and I forged a bond. We started to understand each other, you know? For instance, they learned not to bother me and I learned not to throw things at their heads. It’s been a learning experience for all of us, even the parents. Sure, they may hate me now, but they’ll all come crawling back when Hollywood decides to make a movie about me.”