Lou Pinella Regrets Promise To Amputate Legs If Rays Reach .500

TAMPA, FL--Last year, Devil Rays Coach Lou Pinella promised to dye his hair if his team won three games in a row. When they did, he made good on his promise and dyed his hair platinum blonde. This year Pinella went a step further and vowed to amputate both his legs if the team reached the .500 mark. Now, after 11 straight wins, the Rays are one game under .500 and Pinella is one win away from being an amputee.

“Well, that’s what happens when you open your mouth and make a bet like that,” said Pinella, looking wistfully at his soon-to-be-amputated legs. “I just can’t believe they’ve won so many games in a row. It’s like a miracle. I guess I should be happy, but I really like my legs. Oh well, getting to .500 would be worth it, I guess.”

Pinella also regrets his promise to let his players perform the operation themselves.

“Man, the things you say when you’re screwing around with the boys. Never in a million years did I think this was going to come true, so I said ‘Sure, Rocco and Carl can saw em off with a chainsaw.’ Oops. The other day Baldelli was in the locker room revving that thing up for everyone to see. Me and my big frigging mouth.”

The Devil Rays have no sympathy for their head coach. The team is giddy about the prospect of sawing off Pinella’s legs, even though it will leave him crippled for life.

“Sure, it’ll leave him a vegetable, but that’s cool,” said centerfielder Rocco Baldelli, a second-year player who has helped fuel the Rays surge. “Coach is a real good guy, and he has a sense of humor about that stuff. Plus, it could be worse. He could’ve made good on his promise to let the whole team fuck his wife.”

Baldelli admitted to being “a little squeamish” about the prospect of sawing off a man’s legs, but said he is up for the challenge.

“Oh, I’m up for it alight,” he laughed. “Coach gives us so much guff it’ll be nice to get back at him for a change. I’m sure he never expected us to get to .500. That’s the beauty of it. That’ll teach him to doubt us again. But just to be a good sport, I’ll make a promise of my own: If we drop back into last place, I’ll reattach his legs. I’m no doctor, but how hard can it be?”

After hearing about Pinella and the team’s wager, local news organizations have decided to get in on the fun. The St. Petersburg Times and WFXT-Tampa are teaming up to present the event to the public in order to raise money for charity. If the Rays get to .500, fans will be able to pay 10 dollars admission to watch the amputation. All proceeds will go to the Tampa Children’s Hospital’s amputee ward.

“We thought it would be a great way to raise money for young amputees,” said Rita Hirsch, program director for WFXT-Tampa. “So what we’re doing is setting up a big stage in the middle of Tropicana Field and we’re going to have a band, possibly supergroup Matchbox 20, do a couple of numbers before the big event. Then out come the chainsaws. Gosh, its gonna be hilarious. I’m going to bring the kids, especially my son, Danny. Ever since he was 6-years-old, he’s been obsessed with chopping people’s limbs off.”

Bench coach Don Zimmer said that the notion of baseball managers making wagers to motivate their teams is nothing new. The veteran coach pointed out that Joe Torre made a few bets himself to give some extra incentives to the Yankees during their championship run.

“I’ve never seen anyone get their legs cut off, but I’ve seen a few things in my day,” said Zimmer. “Back in ’98, coach Torre told the team that he’d personally shoot a homeless person if we won a hundred games. Well, we did, and I’m sure you all know what happened next. Manhattan had one less homeless guy to deal with. Also, in ’99, he told Derek Jeter he would carve a pentagram into his chest if Jeter hit over .300. Guess what? Ol’ Joe has a big, bloody Satanic symbol branded into his chest. Ah, memories.”

In addition to being sawed off for charity, Pinella’s legs will be donated to the baseball hall of fame in Cooperstown, New York.