E RUTHERFORD--Nets point guard Jason Kidd, eager to be traded to a contender, is said to be “totally addicted” to the ESPN trade machine. Kidd reportedly spends hours a night entering trades in a desperate attempt to find a deal to get him out of New Jersey.

“He’s just obsessed with that stupid thing,” said teammate Richard Jefferson. “All he does is come up with trade ideas. And every time he puts one through he yells ‘I’ve got it!’ And it’s like, I’m happy for the guy and all, but it’s kind of rude of him to be so open about wanting to get traded. He needs to set a better example for the young players. He needs to weep silently in private like the rest of us.”

According to Jefferson, Kidd first discovered the trade machine while surfing ESPN.com, and hasn’t stopped playing with it ever since.

“I remember one day he was surfing the web and he was like ‘Hey, what’s this trade machine thingie?’” Jefferson recalled. “Then he just started plugging in trade ideas. He’s had himself going to Dallas, Phoenix, Los Angeles, Boston, even Denver. It took him a while to figure out how it worked though. He had himself going to Phoenix for Boris Diaw. I was like ‘Dude, the salaries have to match.’ Then he tried to send himself to Phoenix for Kevin Garnett, which was too stupid for words. They would never make that trade.”

On Tuesday, Kidd interrupted a team meeting to ask everyone in the room what they thought of his latest trade idea.

“Hey, everyone? Can I have the floor for a minute?” said Kidd, as he stood holding his laptop. “Okay, check this out: Me to Dallas for Devin Harris, Erick Dampier, and Devean George. The salaries work out and it gives the Nets a great young point guard, some size, and an expiring contract. What do you guys think? Anyone? Coach Frank?”

“Jason, please,” Frank responded. “We are in the middle of a meeting here and this is not the time to start calling out trade ideas. If you want to do that you come into my office and we’ll talk about it. And no, that is not a good trade idea. [Nets GM] Rod Thorn would never take that pile of shit for you. Maybe for Richard Jefferson, but not you.”

Thorn has been fielding offers for Kidd over the past few weeks but has been unable to work out a deal. He admitted, however, that he, too, was using the ESPN trade machine to try to find the perfect mix of players and contracts.

“Ever since Jason introduced me to this thing I haven’t been able to stop myself,” said Thorn, as he plugged more names into the machine. “It’s kind of addictive. Look, here’s another one: Jason to the Hawks for Joe Johnson and Al Horford. That would get us some great talent and ruin Jason’s career. We could kill two birds with one stone.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.