Nation’s Jobless Receive Emergency Airlift Of Madden 2006

GILES, TN--Federal aid workers, in conjunction with state unemployment offices, coordinated an emergency airlift of the video game Madden 2006 to jobless people across the nation yesterday. Over two million unemployed males received their free copy of the hit game, which should keep them busy at least until Christmas time.

“We got two million copies out. We’ll send more in the coming days,” said Marsha Rothstein, director of the Red Cross. “The 2006 version of the game, which features a new ‘superstar mode’ and an enhanced franchise mode, as well as some dazzling graphics, should be just what the doctor ordered for these unfortunate people. You know, sometimes we forget that there are folks out there who can’t afford to buy Madden. And they’re the people who need it most. They’re unemployed. What else are they going to do with their time?”

Rothstein painted a bleak picture of the nation’s jobless, unable to make ends meet and unable to purchase the single greatest video game ever invented.

“Those of us who have jobs and a steady income probably take it for granted,” she said. “But imagine if August rolled around and you couldn’t afford to buy the new Madden? You got laid off from your job, you’ve got a wife and kids to feed, you’ve got to put food on the table, and you’re looking at a long, harsh winter without the most kick-ass game in history. Maybe you’re peeking into the neighbor’s house at night to watch them play. Worse yet, maybe you’re stuck playing Madden 2005, or—God help me—Madden 2004. No, this isn’t a bad dream. For some people, it’s a reality.”

Dozens of cargo planes fanned out across the country and dropped boxes of Madden 2006 on some of the poorest sections of the country. The south and midwest, where unemployment is rampant, received the bulk of the aid. A witness described the scene when the precious games were dropped near his Tennessee home:

“I was sitting in my living room when all of a sudden I heard my neighbor say ‘Look there! There’s something falling from the sky!’” said Henry Cossell, 34, of Giles, TN. “Everybody rushed out of their houses. We looked up and saw this big crate with a parachute on it floating down towards us. It had one of those red crosses on the side. I hoped and prayed that it wasn’t food or medicine for the children, and my prayers were answered.”

When the crate landed, a throng of people rushed towards it and tore it open. When the treasure fell out—hundreds of copies of Madden 2006—the scene turned violent.

“That was ugly. Suddenly we all turned into raving, maniacal beasts,” said Cossell. “That’s what desperation will do to you, I guess. We been living off Madden 2005 for the past few months, but that’s not way to survive, especially when you’re unemployed. We need the new rosters, we need the enhanced graphics, we need what everyone else in America takes for granted. Now that I have it, I have no reason whatsoever to look for a job. My only job is to take the Tennessee Titans to the Super Bowl.”

Doug Harley, 45, who lives across the street from Cossell, fell to his knees and wept upon receiving the complimentary video game.

“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you,” he shouted to the sky as the plane flew away. “Whoever you are, thank you. I’ve been out of work for six months now, with no sense of purpose, no source of income. On top of all that I’ve been playing Madden with last year’s rosters. Dammit, Randy Moss is still on the Vikings! And the San Diego Chargers aren’t even any good. Jesus Christ, I might as well move to Niger and live in one of those refugee camps.”

Despite the success of the first airlift, Rothstein says the job is far from over.

“It’s great to know that we helped all these people,” she said. “But there are still some places we haven’t reached because of logistical problems like bad weather. By the end of the month we should have everybody pretty much covered. That should get people through the winter. Hopefully some of these people will get jobs come spring time, but I wouldn’t count on it. Madden 2006 is an extremely time consuming game.”

Rothstein added that the Red Cross would spend late winter and early spring preparing for the release of the next Grand Theft Auto game.