Last Remaining Orlando Magic Fan Calls It Quits

ORLANDO--Thomas Krieger, 32, the last remaining Orlando Magic fan, finally called it quits Sunday after his favorite team’s 19th consecutive loss. The season ticket holder surrendered his courtside seat to anyone who was interested and left the arena for good. At press time, the seat was still empty.

“Well that’s too bad,” said star forward Tracy McGrady. “He was the last of a dying breed. I’m really gonna miss that guy, but I guess 19 in a row is a test even for the most loyal fan. It’s sad though. He didn’t even say goodbye.”

Krieger had been a fan of the Magic since their entry into the league in 1989. He stuck with them through good times and bad, but nothing could prepare him for the 2003 season.

“I thought when Shaq left the team that I’d never recover,” said Krieger. “But things got better after that. We got Grant Hill. We got T-Mac. We had a nice season last year. We really overachieved. But this year…My God, what happened? 19 in a row? 19? In a row? That was enough for me. I don’t need to suffer through this any longer. Goodbye Orlando Magic, it’s been real.”

The departure of Krieger signifies the end of an era for the Magic – the era of fan attendance. Now virtually every seat in the TD Waterhouse Center is empty, even the owner’s box.

“The owner? I haven’t seen him in weeks,” said McGrady. “He took off around our 14th loss and nobody has seen him since. He hasn’t even picked up his mail. Its been piling up for two weeks. Geez, you think he could make it down just to get his mail, at least. Are we that bad? Yes. Yes, we are.”

According to reports, the owner, Rich Devos, left his wallet in his luxury box and has refused to return and get it.

McGrady says that the crowd at Magic home games has been steadily declining since the beginning of the season. The team started 1-10 under coach Doc Rivers, prompting ownership to fire the former Coach of the Year and replace him with assistant Johnny Davis. However, Davis was not able to stop the bleeding, and the losing streak reached an embarrassing 19th game before the team was able to pull out a victory against the Phoenix Suns, thereby avoiding the distinction of being the only team to lose 20 games in a row. Unfortunately for the Magic, the win was not enough to bring back their last remaining season ticket holder.

“Yea, big deal, they won,” said Krieger, from his home in Orlando. “Woo hoo! My team didn’t lose 20 games in a row! I’m so glad I paid 5 zillion dollars for the season ticket. Are they gonna put a banner up in the rafters that says ‘Stopped losing streak at 19 games?’ Great. I don’t think I’ll be coming back to watch them chase their third victory. Call me when Grant Hill returns. But call me fast, because he’ll probably sprain his ankle during warm ups.”

Compounding the Magic’s problems is the departure of many of their key assistants and staff members. Several employees, including the water boy and ball boy, have reportedly stopped showing up for work.

“The ball boy is gone. I can’t believe I just said that,” said Coach Johnny Davis. “The ball boy quit. Usually you have a line a mile long of kids wanting to be ball boy, but no. Ours quit and won’t come back. We even offered to pay him.”

“It really makes things difficult,” said McGrady. “When I’m practicing my free throw shooting I have to shag the balls myself, which is a pain in the ass because we only have three balls left. I don’t know where they all went. I think the ball boy might’ve taken them.”

Krieger isn’t ruling out a return someday, but it won’t be any time soon. The ex-season ticket holder is enjoying his time away from the Magic.

“I have to admit, it’s been a very positive change for me,” said Krieger. “My mood has been elevated, I’m not depressed and embarrassed all the time, I haven’t hurt myself with those razor blades, it’s just a totally new me. Maybe someday I’ll become a Magic fan again, but for now I just want to be alone, find myself. I feel like this is the first day of the rest of my life.”